Twenty Onwards Media

I told you so...

Well actually, I probably didn't.

But I should have. Because deep down, I have always known this to be true. And it's now been proven in a scientific study (not like they 'proved' that marijuana causes schizophrenia...that claim was only made by the sold out mainstream media, the study said nothing of the sort...if you want to contest this, then you obviously know nothing of statistics and are no better than a baboon).

You might be feeling confused right now as to what I'm talking about. Well, I'll tell you. The study (published in Social Psychology Quarterly) says that "Intelligent people have 'unnatural' preferences and values that are novel in human evolution".  This does not mean that intelligent people are weird...it just means that intelligent people are more likely to show behavior and attitudes that are evolutionarily new or advanced than the stale stuff that we've believed in since we came down from the trees (or out of the water as an interesting and very viable hypothesis says).

More particularly, intelligent people are more likely to be liberal, atheist, nocturnal and (in the case of men) sexually exclusive. And as a very liberal, intensely nocturnal, opinionated atheist who got married recently, I totally agree.

I'm a fucking genius!

I told you so...

READ THIS IF YOU STILL DON'T BELIEVE ME

Be A Mossad Man!

Do You Have it in you to join the coolest, most deadly, most secretive, most awesome Secret Service in the World!!!

Then Fill Up This Online Form - https://www.mossad.gov.il/Eng/recruit/Register/Explanations.aspx

No really, just fill up the form and you're halfway there! It's just that easy to be a spy!

(Well I'm guessing there is more to it than that, I mean, they'll contact you by telephone like an interview, a written test, a physical test, a blood test etc etc) But still ... I mean, you can't sign up for the CIA on a netbook, can you? You can't send your CV to RAW from a cyber cafe, can you? But the Mossad is hip to the youngsters and offers them easy access to their recruitment wing.

Imagine, a young Israeli, hanging out at a mall in Tel Aviv (Well, OK, THE mall in Tel Aviv) with nothing to do but watch the falafel crust over - when suddenly(!) surfing the net on his iPod Touch he stumbles on an ad on his facebook page [Arab Wars! Sign Up Now To Find Out Why This Shit Is Still Going On!!!] and thinks to himself "Hm ... this seems mildly amusing ..." He clicks the link, and Boom! He's on the Mossad website...

Now he's thinking "All right, looks like a nice, sober site, looks like it's for the corporate office of a pharma company but whatever ..." our guy checks it out a little, glances over the Word from our Director, looks over the nice pictures of the summer school program, googles a few of the missions mentioned in their portfolio ("The Guy from that lame Hulk movie? Woah!!!") and then sees the bright, blinking 'Careers' section in the top bar ... and yup, its just that simple!

Pretty soon (within like 5 minutes, Israel is like the size of Haryana) our guy gets a phone-call ["Please raise your hand so we can extract you"] and the Mossad sweeps him away in a windowless van to a secret training facility for the next 3 months. YAY!

(Also, am I the only one who found it weird that they hire anyone from any country? That and the online recruitment form really make you wonder about the standards they follow ...)

One of the Best Directors Ever

If you haven't heard of Sanjay Malhotra, then you clearly have missed out on one of the greats. This guy is DA Shit!

Here's a sampling of his work

Check out the rest of his work on his youtube channel: Very Good Entertainers (Yes, that's the actual name). 

The Sumit Kumar Experience

For the First Time in India, in Delhi, Anywhere in the World it's ...

THE SUMIT KUMAR EXPERIENCE!!!!!

For a nominal fee of INR 2000/- you - YES, YOU! - can experience what it means to be the one and only SUMIT KUMAR!!!!! _{(That's right 5 exclamation points so what that's just the way he rolls!!!!!)}

Feel the Awesome Low Self-Esteem! 

The Annoyance Brought By the Mention of Dare2Date! 

The Wind Blowing Over Your Scalp!

ALL THIS COULD BE YOURS FOR JUST INR 2000!!!

For Your INR 2000 you get -

1. One (1) man-purse
2. One (1) pink helmet
3. One (1) sketchpad full of drawings of coworkers
4. Zit injections on both - That's Right Both! - cheekbones
5. 30 ml tube of face grease (Now with Sumit Scent^tm!)
6. 'Laughing Along With Boss' Ready Reckoner - Betray Your Colleagues, Move Up In the Company!!! 
7. Sheepish-Grin-and-Eye-Contact-Avoidance Chart - Now Perfect Your Embarrassed-Sumit-Look Even When You're Not!!!!! 
8.  Booklet of Top 100 Tried and Tested Sumit Jokes^tm!
9. Booklet of Top 100 Tried and Tested Sumit Revenge Plots^tm! (Now Twice As More Offensive To Your Sense of Humanity!)

Order Now and Get A 'kitschy' FabIndia Nehru Jacket Absolutely Free! Free! Free!!!!!

ORDER NOW!!!!!

The 2nd Annual Golden Kela Awards Winners!

TWICE AS KELA-TASTIC

SECOND GOLDEN KELAS BIG SUCCESS IN KAPITAL

YOU CAN CHECK OUT PICS FROM THE EVENT AND LIST OF WINNERS AT WWW.GOLDENKELA.COM! 

The Second Annual Golden Kela Awards (Don't pretend you haven't heard of it!) is over! And what a 'kela-tastic' bash it was. The Indian Razzies just wrapped up their second annual ceremony, pointing out and poking fun at the worst films of 2009. Among the top winners were (expectedly) Chandni Chowk to China, What's Your Rashee? and of course Kambakkht Ishq.  
 
The top honours for 'Worst Actor' and 'Worst Actress' went to Harman Baweja and Kareena Kapoor, and Worst Film to Kambakkht Ishq, though one of the biggest awards of the evening (the 'Bas Kijiye Bahut Ho Gaya Award'!) was awarded to Madhur Bhandarkar, for his entire career, asking him to stop making films, because 'Bahut Ho Gaya, Bas Kijiye'! In a great crossover moment, Hollywood legends Sylvester Stallone and Denise Richards won the prestigious Baawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke (Have you gone Nuts) Award. This elicited a response from John Wilson, Founder / Head RAZZberry of the Razzies, the awards for the worst of Hollywood."If our having given Sylvester Stallone 30 nominations and 10 statuettes in the course of our history, and also having awarded Denise Richards a Worst Supporting Actress dis-honor for THE WORLD IS NOT ENOUGH played a part in the two of them sneaking off to India to continue their bad film-making careers, please accept our most sincere apologies. Our intentions were for Stallone and Richards to be punished -- not Indian movie-goers!" 

But the main attraction of the evening was Chief Guest Cyrus Broacha, who was awarded the Cyrus Broacha Memorial Award(!), on which he had this to say "It's Great, I'm Thrilled...I hope to win this award every year.

 With about 3,00,000 people voting online for their 'favorites' this year, the Kelas have reached a new level of popularity. Jatin Varma, Organizer and Mai-baap of the Golden Kelas, had this to say “More and more people are joining our ranks every year to get back at Bollywood. This year, three lakh people voted. Next year we hope to touch the 3 billion mark set by 3 Idiots.”The crowd was in splits throughout the event and for many this was their second Kela ceremony, and as many claimed, it won't be their last. 

WINNERS HONORED WITH A KELA THIS YEAR 

Worst Actor Male - Harman Baweja (What's Your Rashee) 

Worst Actor Female - Kareena Kapoor (Kambakkht Ishq) 

Worst Supporting Actor Male - Ranvir Shorey (Chandni Chowk to China) 

Worst Supporting Actor Female - Deepika Padukone (Meow Meow; Chandni Chowk to China) 

Worst Film - Kambakkht Ishq 

Worst Director - Ashutosh Gowariker (What's Your Rashee)

Worst Newcomer Male - Jackie Bhagnani (Kal Kissne Dekha) 

Worst Newcomer Female - Shruti Hasan (Luck) 

When Did This Come Out Award - Fox 

Most 'Original' Story - Dil Bole Hadippa (She's the Man) 

Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award - Sly Stallone and Denise Richards (Kambakkht Ishq) 

Worst Pair - Rani Mukherjee and Shahid Kapoor (Dil Bole Hadippa) 

Most Irritating Song - Love mera hit hit (Billu) 

Most Atrocious Lyrics - Love me love me (Wanted)

Special Awards

Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue - Kabir Khan and Aditya Chopra (New York) 

Dara Singh Award for Worst Accent - Abhishek Bachchan (Dilli 6) 

Critic's Award - Taran Adarsh 

Black Award for Emotional Blackmail - Paa 

Insensitivity Award - Chandni Chowk to China 

Bas Kijiye Bahut Ho Gaya Award - Madhur Bhandarkar 

The Official Golden Kela Review of My Name Is Khan

Golden Kela Review: My Name is Khan

Starring

Karan Johar’s Drool as The Script

A Weird Guy Whose Name is Khan as A Slightly Weirder Guy With Special Abilities Whose Name is Khan

Screechy Woman from K3G as Slightly Less Screechy Woman

Some Kid as Their Kid

An Actual Actor as Gujju Motel Owner in Bit Part

Barkha Dutt as Herself

A Stout Dubya Lookalike as Dubya

A Random Black Person Who Looks Nothing Like Him as Obama

The Woman From Classic Tom & Jerry Cartoons as Mama Jenny

Set and Costumes from a Period Western Set in 1876 as Wilhelmina, Georgia

Random Muslims of all Political Views

Assorted Americans

 

If you are someone who enjoys watching KJo’s opulent wet dreams featuring SRK, this film might change your life. But, if you happen to be a normal person with a functioning brain…well, then it will definitely change your life when you hear everybody around you ooh-ing and aah-ing while you’re going ouch-ouch-ouch-end-this-insufferable-misery-right-now-oh-God-no-please-no-this-can’t-be-happening-I’d-rather-die-than-watch-this-oh-God-no-God-no!!!!

 

It’s not that the film is bad. It’s so mind-numbingly clichéd and stupid that it makes you wonder whether KJo might have been able to do anything with his life if he hadn’t been born in Yash Johar’s house (especially when he claims that this is a realistic film). SRK gives a truly mind-blowing performance (blow as in blowjob). Kajol, whose shrieking in K3G was in the frequency range which is only audible to dogs, has brought it down to the human audible range to avoid a lawsuit by Maneka Gandhi. Nobody else really matters in the film. The events and the reactions of Americans to them are totally unbelievable. The climax is so idiotic that the only thing climaxing is KJo.  

 

If I start getting into more details about why this is a bad film (contrary to popular perception which has been influenced by a sold-out media) I would probably end up writing a Ph.D. dissertation. Therefore I shall cease and desist and leave you with a list of possible nominations for MNIK in the 3^rd Annual Golden Kelas

Worst Film

Worst Director

Worst Actor (Male): Shahrukh Khan

Baawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke: Everybody who thinks this is one of the greatest films ever made.

In the mean time please vote on www.goldenkela.com and support our noble cause

THE GOLDEN KELAS ARE BACK!

After the widespread, earth-shattering, universal-consciousness-blowing success of last year's Golden Kelas, they are BACK!

India's Premier Awards for the Best-Made-Bad Films of Bollywood (widely acknowledged to be THE Indian Razzies) the Golden Kela Awards are ready now in their second year to put out another kela-tastic, filmi-delic, ham-ilicious award ceremony! 

The past year has been good for the Kelas, and the nominees include big names like Priyanka Chopra, Salman Khan, Akshaye Kumar and even Shah Rukh 'King' Khan himself, and not-so-big names like Adhyayan Suman and Jackie Bhagnani. 

This year's chief guest has been confirmed to be Cyrus Broacha, who had this to say, “This is a great honour, equal to the honour of Raja of Rubbish, bestowed on me many years ago by an esteemed colleague. I haven't slept in a week and visit the urinal every three hours., because of the unprecedental excitement. I have even requested Lalit Modi to postpone the I.P.L. launch in order to fit this in.Truth is I was coming to Delhi anyway for my cousin's wedding and since there were to be free food and snacks i decided to do the right thing and skip the wedding for the awards.”

And this years Nominees are ...

Worst Actor Male

Himesh Reshammiya (Radio)

John Abraham (New York)

Emraan Hashmi (Tum Mile/Raaz2)

Salman Khan (Wanted)

Harman Baweja (What’s Your Rashee)

Worst Actor Female

Priyanka Chopra (What’s Your Rashee)

Kangana Ranaut (Raaz 2)

Kareena Kapoor (Kambakkht Ishq)

Deepika Padukone (Chandni Chowk to China)

Rani Mukherjee (Dil Bole Hadippa)

Worst Supporting Actor Male

Aftab Shivadasani (Kambakht Ishq)

Adhyayan Suman (Raaz 2)

Viveik Oberoi (Kurbaan)

Hrithik Roshan (Luck by Chance)

Ranvir Shorey (Chandi Chowk to China)

Worst Supporting Actor Female

Amrita Arora (Kambakht Ishq)

Dia Mirza (Kurbaan)

Deepika Padukone (Chandni Chowk to China)

Kareena, Deepika and Priyanka (Billu)

Mona Singh (3 Idiots)

Worst Film

Chandni Chowk 2 China

Blue

New York

Kambakht Ishq

What's Your Rashee

Worst Director

Nikhil Advani (Chandni Chowk to China)

Ashutosh Gowarikar (What’s Your Rashee)

Madhu Bhandarkar (Jail)

Rohit Shetty (All The Best)

Sabbir Khan (Kambakht Ishq)

Worst Newcomer Male

Jackie Bhagnani - Kal Kissne Dekha

Abhijeet Sawant- Lottery

Rannvijay Singh (Toss & LD)

Parzan Dastur (Sikandar)

Nasser Khan (Shadow)

Worst Newcomer Female

Giselle Monteiro (Love Aaj Kal)

Amna Sharif (Aloo Chaat)

Shruti Hasan (Luck)

Jacqueline Fernandes (Alladin)

Vaishali Desai (Kal Kissne Dekha)

The When Did This Come Out Award

Vaada Raha

Babarr

Lottery

Fox

World Cup 2011

Teree Sang

Ek – The Power of One

Shortkut

Most ‘Original’ Story Award

Daddy Cool (Death At A Funeral)

Love Aaj Kal (3 Times)

Dhoondte Reh Jaoge (The Producers)

Aao Wish Kare (Big)

Dil Bole Hadippa (She’s the Man)

Baawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award

Akshay Kumar and Nikhil Adwani (Chandni Chowk to China)

Sylvester Stallone and Denise Richards (Kambakkht Ishq)

Nagesh Kukunoor (8 X 10 Tasveer)

Ashutosh Gowarikar and Priyanka Chopra (What’s Your Rashee)

Shah Rukh Khan (Billu)

Worst Pair

Akshay Kumar and Deepika Padukone (Chandni Chowk to China)

Sanjay Dutt and Lara Dutta (Blue)

Rani Mukherjee and Shahid Kapoor (Dil Bole Haddipa)

Salman Khan and Ayesha Takia (Wanted)

Abhishek Bachchan and Amitabh Bachchan (Paa)

Most Irritating Song

Love mera hit hit - Billu

Tu paisa paisa karti hai - Dhan Dhana Dhan

Tainu lai ke jaana – Jai Veeru

Om mangalam – Kambakkht Ishq

Tera Hone Laga Hoon – Ajab Prem ki Gazab Kahani

Most Atrocious Lyrics

Love me, love me, love me - Sameer (wanted)

Chiggy Wiggy – Abbas Tyrewala (Blue)

Love mera hit hit - Ashish Pandit, Mayur Puri (Billu)

Bebo Main Bebo – Anvita Dutt Guptan (Kambhakkt Ishq)

Hey Sexy Mama – Neelesh Mishra (13B)

And This Year's Special Awards ...

Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue

Dara Singh Award For Worst Accent

The Worst Critic’s Award

Black Award for Emotional Blackmail

Insensitivity Award

Bas Kijiye Bahut Ho Gaya Award

VOTE NOW

AT

GOLDENKELA.COM

Sunday Bloody Sunday

How do all the horribly singing aunties manage to reach the temple, wake up the pujari and everybody in the locality at a wee hour as wee as 5am! Why can’t they let the gods oversleep for a couple of hours? So as I was forced to wake up at 5, I turned the ac on again, checked utorrent’s development and suddenly screamed in a pillow realizing it’s a Sunday! Now for somebody who’s nerves are being eaten away by these horribly singing aunties (why did they survive those earthquakes?) on a Sunday, followed soon after by the tut-tuts of walking sticks of uncles, my Sunday had begun. Around 10am, just when the house started stinking of aaloo-puri (why can’t it ever be pancakes) I was made to get out of my room and have family-breakfast with Comedy Circus on air. My Sunday had already gone to the dogs. When friends didn’t call for as late as 3pm, I realized I might not be able to see the light of the day (I wasn’t crying yet, with a 43 degree temperature outside).

 

It wasn’t just me who had to survive through a 140-decibel catastrophe at 5 or get stuffed with carbs enough to hibernate for a while. Around 4pm, father’s long lost friend Bittu uncle showed up. With wife. And two children. How do people going by the name of Bittu manage to marry? And why is he my father’s friend? Anyway so as mother spent the rest of the day in the kitchen, I had to entertain Bittu’s kids. I wouldn’t have had a problem playing Gregory and the Hawk on the keyboard for them or play the dare-to-gulp-Listerine game or something, but they were the kind of kids who enjoy crap. They wanted to talk about my bed sheet, about why I should really start combing my hair for a healthy life while Bittu’s wife told me how I won’t get married because of that ‘tatu’ on my wrist. I don’t think father was having a great time either. After all, Bittu was the only one finishing his Black Label (only students drink during day time because that’s when we get Rs 19 Old Monk during happy hours).

 

Bittu and family left by 9 and I haven’t spoken to father so far. Tomorrow is Sunday and I’m scared.

Planet Terror - the Ultimate Peeda-Hari Balm

Nothing could comfort my aching pain. It was 32 degrees in my room and I was sweating like a pig in the bitchy Delhi summer. While sitting on my bed and massaging my swollen ankles I was cursing Delhi on one hand and my boy friend on the other. The temperature and my pain were climbing the mercury level at the same speed. It was 12:55 at night and I landed up on Star Movies. And I forgot my pain for the next one and half hours.

 

The tacky, tad and B-grade look of the movie enticed me enough to convince me that there would be enough stuff to laugh at and look at (I personally found Dakota hotter than Cherry Darling).

 

Planet of Terror­ is a film version of a video game where you gotta kill as many zombies as you can. You score a foul if the zombie-puss falls on you or if you get in touch with the green gas, which is the main cause of this Zombie-demic.

 

There is this psycho bio-chemical engineer who amputates balls for his personal correction, played with ‘utmost proficiency’ by Navin Andrews (of Bride and Prejudice infamy). His deal with another psycho – military commander Bruce Willis (he shot Bin Laden twice in his illustrious career) falls apart and he accidentally releases the deadly gas which turned the people of the town into zombies.

 

There is Fergie playing the lesbian lover of Dakota. Dakota is the troubled, neglected wife of psycho surgeon Dr. Block (Josh Brolin) who is planning to run away with her lover. And then there are Go-go dancer Cherry darling (Rose Mc Gowan) and her ex-flame El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) who are the actual heroes. The former is machine gun legged and the latter ‘never misses’ whatever shot he takes.

 

So, there is plenty of fun actually – puss oozing out of a semi-zombie and splashed on Brolin’s face, Navin Andrews frantically collecting the balls and stuffing in his pockets, Cherry Darling flying like Superman and spraying bullets, Dakota with no feeling in her hands (thanks to the anesthetic injections) trying to open a car door and driving it. The reveling moment is when JT (the bone shack owner) finds the concoction of zombie puss and his own blood as the perfect sauce for his eateries. Mmmmm ….. Yummy!!!

 

The film ends like Terminator, with El Wray dying and Cherry Darling donning the cap of the savior of the survivors. It was a pain-killing experience which numbed my sensations till the end credits.     

 

 

Runaway Train

I don’t watch too many song videos. A lot of them tend to overshadow the song. You could end up loving a song you might have never given a second listen to. So it has to be good enough for me to actually go and hunt its video down on Youtube. Runaway Train by Soul Asylum is one such song. The video was haunting. Not the Himesh Reshamiya kind of haunting. Remember that ‘Right Now’ video by Korn? Not that kind of haunting. It features pictures, names and important information of about 30 runaway kids, later found out to have actually ran away, been kidnapped, killed, still missing. The video led to good and bad news. The band became more famous than ever. Three kids returned home. Handful were found dead and some were forced to go back into a bad home situation. But my only point here is that the video is good. Watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NNre5neZ6QI

The Myth about Bengalees

When most kids of this country grow up reading Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot in the name of detective books, we Bengalees simply swear by our home-bred hero Phelu da. Out here in north India hardly anyone knows about this character courtesy the lack of enthusiasm to translate these stories for the larger mass and also because of general people’s disinterest in anything Bengalee (however they do take active interest in making fun of this community in every possible way). Dude seriously, Bengalees do know other things apart from eating ‘rosogolla and mishti doi’, saying ‘Hoodi baba’ in every sentence and eating ‘machh’ 24X7.

                            

So, the other day, while showing off each other’s birthday gifts (Thanks Anant for the gift again), we ended up discussing a li’l bit about Satyajit Ray, the man and brain behind Phelu da. Honestly speaking, this man probably saved our grace to some extent in front of rest of the country. A filmmaker, a writer, an illustrator (he was the one who designed the logo of Gold Flake) – he tried hands in so many things and successfully. My childhood memories are mostly reading up Phelu da and his other works - the stories of wacky Prof. Shonku, his accounts of his experience of making particular movies, his memoirs.   The simplicity of the language was meant for all. And, they certainly didn’t lack any literary value. And, yes, Ray wasn’t artsy-fartsy in the true sense of the term.

 

My colleague accused Ray of being artsy-fartsy and speaking in a baritone. I will say that except some of his movies like Nayak, Chidiyakhana, Pratidwandi, Ray has never been intellectual in his art of story-telling. Who can deny the lucid narrative of Pather Panchali? Who can escape the vigorous tension between the characters in Shakha Proshakha? And for disbelievers I would ask them to start off with Sonar Kella (The Golden Fort). As far as the baritone is concerned, if we can tolerate Amitabh Bachchan for the last six decades, then I would say that Ray’s baritone is any day if not better, but as good as that of Mr. Bachchan.

 

 

Indian Summer

This phrase supposedly means a nice, pleasant summer with clear skies and warm breezes (actually, now that I actually look it up, it means a nice, pleasant, brief sunny period in autumn, but whatever) and you really have to experience Summer in North India to laugh at the immense irony in that obviously American figure of speech.

Today I had the immense privilege of spending a little less than four hours just sitting in an auto, after spending a full hour of minor running around (the bank, the wrong branch, finding an auto that was actually willing to take me where I had to go, etc) in Late June New Delhi weather - and anyone who has spent a summer in New Delhi knows what I have just been through.

Right now, even the English language seems inadequate for what I'm trying to describe - Sunlight doesn't do justice to the death-rays shooting at you from the sky, seemingly piercing the invincible Tarp(!) that covered the top of the auto. While the thing was running it was breezy enough, even though I realized the hot wind was dehydrating me faster and I didn't have any water with me, I still enjoyed it every chance I got. I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy it though, being stuck in a traffic jam that stretched practically across South Delhi (if you're familiar with the area, the jam stretched from the BRT corridor to the Mehrauli-Badarpur road.

Actually it stretched all across the M-B road too, but they had a couple of nice Delhi Traffic Policemen standing around telling people to go around because 'there is a really bad jam up ahead.' Half of me wanted to club the guy over the head with his walkie-talkie and half of me wondered how 'really bad' the jam must be up ahead if they're turning people away.

So the auto took a few turns as the policeman suggested and got us stuck in a back-alley traffic jam, which seemed worse because somehow the clustered buildings made it even hotter and humid-er. So after about 40 minutes of waiting and sweating and listening random pedestrians going 'no use turn back' we finally made it to the main road (M-B road, which seemed suspiciously devoid of 'really bad jam', after that it was seemed like the smoothest, most refreshing ride ever after that bylane parking area I was in.

But eventually I reached where I had to go (it was across the street from a BSF training camp ... thats how far away it was from the city ... though technically it was still in the city) and I dripped up to the counter, and dripped right back, and this time the auto (same auto, gave me a round-trip deal) took about half the time to get me back, even though we caught shitty slow traffic in Khanpur and stopped for a drink along the way.

I had a fun time and I drank a full bottle of pepsi. And that was how I spent my morning.

THE END

Adhiraj Singh
(Age 20)