PROSECUTION: ... Please Mr. Patel would you like to tell the court what happened on the night of 26th November?
PATEL: Well, I, uh, was walking, uh, no, I had just got off the, uh, 9:35 train from, uh-
PROSECUTION: Yes, yes, now tell us about when the shooting started.
PATEL: Well, OK, uh, they started shooting at us, um, it was really very scary, uh, my wife died-
PROSECUTION: Sure, yes, now tell us who did it? Is he in this courtroom right now?
PATEL: Um, yeah, uh, that's him over the-
PROSECUTION: Right, thank you Mr. Patel, you may limp back to your seat. Mr. Patel also identifies the accused as the shooter in Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, making him the 70th eyewitness to do so. I could get more your honour but fuck it I just don't want to. Let's send this fucker to jail-
DEFENSE: I-I object Milord!
JUDGE: What grounds?
DEFENSE: I don't know, presumption of guilt? And also, I didn't get my turn!
JUDGE: Oh all right, I suppose you should get a turn ...
DEFENSE: Ok, so, uh, the Accused, my client, it would seem, is in a very sticky situation. But, through the course of my-
JUDGE: Get on with it already!
DEFENSE: Ok, ok. I know Ajmal's face is on all those videos and pictures, and there are all these witnesses too, but it's not as bad as it looks, see! Ajmal, my clients admits that he was present at the Terminus on the day of the alleged shooting-
PROSECUTION: What do you mean 'admits'?
PATEL: What do you mean 'alleged'?
DEFENSE: All right, he did it! He did it! And there are no two ways about! But look at this kid! I mean look at him! Young, hopeful, full of youth and hope! Say something for the nice people, my boy
AJMAL: Death to India! Long have my people suffered! Soon they shall be free! Long live the cause! [FOAM AT MOUTH]
DEFENSE: So ... much for that. This poor boy has obviously been brainwashed milord! He can't be held responsible for his actions! He was made to believe he was doing a good thing!
PROSECUTION: Pfft! Hitler thought he was doing a good thing-
DEFENSE: Oh Shut Up! Milord, I'd like to call for a mistrial on account of the Prosecution breaching Godwin's Law!
JUDGE: This court does not recognize made-up Internets laws. Carry on with your desperate speech Defense. And let's try to wrap this up soon, all right?
DEFENSE: Well, I was going for the Insanity Defense ...
JUDGE: The Accused seemed very lucid when he was apprehended, as he is now. Misguided, still, but very much aware of his actions and their repercussions.
DEFENSE: But- But he was on drugs! This poor boy- Look at him! Look at him I tell you! This poor child, raised in a tiny village, middle of nowhere, in a poor family, his father used to sell Dahi-Puri for gods' sake, who even eats that, seriously-
JUDGE: Get to your point already!
DEFENSE: I'm saying he can't be responsible for his actions! He only did it because he's a poor, ignorant kid who would have done anything for the money the militants were offering him and his family to go do some killing for them.
JUDGE: So he's a mercenary, is that what you're saying?
DEFENSE: Um ... a poor, misguided mercenary, yes ... I think.
JUDGE: Employed by Militant groups working against the sovereignty of this country?
DEFENSE: Uh... sure.
JUDGE: Oh, all right, we know how to deal with people like that. I sentence the accused to be Executed, at a date to be announced at a later time.
DEFENSE: Well Ajmal, I tried. I'm really not that good at this sort of thing, you see. All the really good advocates said this would be a pointless exercise-
AJMAL: Silence impudent Indian Dog! Soon my glorious leaders will come to power and reduce your pitiful judicial system to the outmoded laws they still cling to! Cower in anticipation silly lawyer-type person! [FOAM AT MOUTH]
DEFENSE: Oh shut up you ...
THE END
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