Twenty Onwards Media

Indian Summer

This phrase supposedly means a nice, pleasant summer with clear skies and warm breezes (actually, now that I actually look it up, it means a nice, pleasant, brief sunny period in autumn, but whatever) and you really have to experience Summer in North India to laugh at the immense irony in that obviously American figure of speech.

Today I had the immense privilege of spending a little less than four hours just sitting in an auto, after spending a full hour of minor running around (the bank, the wrong branch, finding an auto that was actually willing to take me where I had to go, etc) in Late June New Delhi weather - and anyone who has spent a summer in New Delhi knows what I have just been through.

Right now, even the English language seems inadequate for what I'm trying to describe - Sunlight doesn't do justice to the death-rays shooting at you from the sky, seemingly piercing the invincible Tarp(!) that covered the top of the auto. While the thing was running it was breezy enough, even though I realized the hot wind was dehydrating me faster and I didn't have any water with me, I still enjoyed it every chance I got. I didn't get much of a chance to enjoy it though, being stuck in a traffic jam that stretched practically across South Delhi (if you're familiar with the area, the jam stretched from the BRT corridor to the Mehrauli-Badarpur road.

Actually it stretched all across the M-B road too, but they had a couple of nice Delhi Traffic Policemen standing around telling people to go around because 'there is a really bad jam up ahead.' Half of me wanted to club the guy over the head with his walkie-talkie and half of me wondered how 'really bad' the jam must be up ahead if they're turning people away.

So the auto took a few turns as the policeman suggested and got us stuck in a back-alley traffic jam, which seemed worse because somehow the clustered buildings made it even hotter and humid-er. So after about 40 minutes of waiting and sweating and listening random pedestrians going 'no use turn back' we finally made it to the main road (M-B road, which seemed suspiciously devoid of 'really bad jam', after that it was seemed like the smoothest, most refreshing ride ever after that bylane parking area I was in.

But eventually I reached where I had to go (it was across the street from a BSF training camp ... thats how far away it was from the city ... though technically it was still in the city) and I dripped up to the counter, and dripped right back, and this time the auto (same auto, gave me a round-trip deal) took about half the time to get me back, even though we caught shitty slow traffic in Khanpur and stopped for a drink along the way.

I had a fun time and I drank a full bottle of pepsi. And that was how I spent my morning.

THE END

Adhiraj Singh
(Age 20)

Coming Soon: M. Night Shyamalan's Great White Hope

It's widely acknowledged that M. Night Shyamalan has been on a smooth, fast ride downhill after The Sixth Sense. Arguably many people like his later films (probably unsure if the film was really not made well or if they just didn't get it) but it still stands that his peak was The Sixth Sense. The film's 'But He Was Dead All Along!' sort of gimmick didn't really work in his later films, and his unique style of draining a film of all color and vitality had a strange way of alienating audiences.

But come July 2010 (Tentative Release Date) viewers might get to see a new side of M. Night, with The Last Airbender, the live-action adaptation of the Nickelodeon series Aang: The Last Airbender, which is scripting and directing. Aang was a very original American-made anime series, being an entertaining adventure story set in an Asian-influenced fantasy world. In the 'Last Airbender' universe the rhythms of the world are governed by the four elements - Earth, Water, Fire and Air - which can be seen in the four 'Nations' of this world - the Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads (who all were color-coordinated clothing corresponding to their 'nation ... It's a kids cartoon show, no one said it has to be too deep.)

And I'm not going to lie to a bunch of non-existent readers now, I liked the show, I really did. I used to stay up late and watch the reruns on Nick until my work schedule made it hard for me to keep up. And I liked The Sixth Sense, and thought Unbreakable was all right ... and I sat through till the end of Signs and didn't break into a murderous KLPD rage, so that must mean I sort of like Shyamalan's stuff ... so why do I think this film is going to suck?

I mean, look at the trailer! Look,

It looks like fun right?! Its got a kid doing cool shit with his lathi, doing magic with the candles, and then there's a wide-shot with weird ships throwing fire and shit, I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!! THAT SHIT HAS TO BE COOL! I MEAN, sorry, I mean, a little kid with a tattoo on his head doing kung fu should be cool enough, and the magic aspect is the icing on the cake ... but somehow, the trailer ... enh, didn't do it for me. The music, the general tone and lighting of the trailer, and even the little kid ... seemed a little too Harry Potter meets Pirates of the Carribbean for me. I almost expect a lightly disguised minority stereotype to jump out and start sleeping on the job, or goofily try to hit on women, only to fail in a most comical fashion. And they already had this casting controversy, with only caucasians being cast in the lead roles, (which in the original were a nice Benetton spectrum (which of course they changed later, making it slightly more diverse, although Shyamalan changed the original configuration, making the aggressive Fire nation 'Brown' ... which is a strange coincidence since in recent years a lot of aggression has been going down in the Middle East ... where it is hot ... and the people are Brown ... hmm ...)

The trailer gives me this weird SFXtravaganza vibe that is really pissing me off. I liked the Pirates movies (even with the Plot holes etc) but when you have a rich backstory to work with I feel (and I hope) the Director should work them in ... so that we don't have another LOEG on our hands.

(Though even I don't think it'll be that bad, I mean its just a little teaser anyway, and the film is like a whole year away from releasing, I'm sure it'll be great)

Calvin & Hobbes: 15 July, '88

Below is the Calvin and Hobbes strip from the day I was born ... I hoped to feel a connection to this comic strip. Some sort of link or affinity of some kind that would prompt me to write a very heart-felt, personal blog, about how the strip changed my life and made me realize that even I can't bullshit this much.

But then, after reading this strip over and over again, I came to a conclusion (the Wagner beating in my ear helped a little, but I still hold that it was me re-reading the strip that gave me insight.) Calvin has been away playing again, making him late for dinner, and so his parents ask him where he has been. Calvin, being the imaginative little troublemaker that he is, spins an impromptu tall-tale involving a balloon, his 'transmogrifier' and a convenient return to his natural state - ending with a snide comment about his mother's cooking. His mother then makes a comment about Calvin transmogrifying himself into smeone who makes more sense.

Now, to the average reader this would seem nothing more than a very simple Calvin and Hobbes strip - there isn't much undercurrent, but it involves a decent amount of imagination. In fact, the sharp-eyed reader could even tell that this strip is really only here to segue from the last story arc to the normal flow of the strip.

But what this strip is really about is the playfullness and vitality of youth, and even life itself. All Calvin and Hobbes strips have this intrinsic vibrancy to them, and this is a fine example of it (if not the best.) The contrast of Calvin's imaginative ramblings and his Parent's firm rooting in reality is not only hilarious, but the way each intrudes into the other (Calvin interacting with Reality and his Parents commenting on Calvin's fantasies) is also a good source of banter and fun.

But how this strip really speaks to me, is through its simplicity - there are no hidden philosophies, no political statements, no jibes at rivals. Just plain, simple fun. A bit like a Dennis the Menace cartoon, only funny. This strip has nothing else of note, nothing even remotely interesting, or curious, or worth mentioning about it, so I'm just going to stop here. Maybe next time I'll pick a more interesting strip (I just thought, Hey! It's my birthday strip, and it C&H, It'll be fun! But what the fuck do I know) So anyway, this is me bullshitting about this lame comic strip (Watterson could have done any other strip, any of the fun ones or the deep ones that I could write a whole fucking essay on, but no he had to wrote this lukewarm piece of-)

That's all I have to say on this subject, hopefully in another blog I'll choose a subject that is actually worth writing about, and not just something mediocre and 'transitional' like this contrived little piece of-

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And the Golden Kela goes to...

Well, the much-awaited event, the 1^st annual Golden Kela ceremony, is over. The event was enthralled with appearances made by Mr. and Mrs. Bhatti, Valentine Shipley, Amit Saigal (editor of RSJ), RJ Sarthak of 95 FM (unfortunately pet-friend Adam did not accompany him) and also the auditorium was throbbing with media and news channels.

All were present to acknowledge the 'true' talent of the Bollywood. And all of you, who were unable to make it and are eagerly waiting for the result of the 1st Golden Kela Awards, here are the winners:-

Main Category

   1. Worst Actor Male: Himesh Reshammiya for Karzzzzzzzz.

   2. Worst Actor Female: Priyanka Chopra for Dostana, Love Story 2050.

   3. Worst Film: Love Story 2050.

   4. Worst Director: Kunal Kohli for Thoda Life Thoda Magic.

   5. Worst Supporting Actor Male: Salman Khan for Hello.

   6. Worst Supporting Actor Female: Kangana Ranaut for Fashion.

   7. Worst Debutant Male: Harman Baweja.

   8. Worst Debutant Female: Anoushka Sharma.

 

Special Categories

   1. Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award:  Ram Gopal Varma for Everything He Did.

   2. When Did This Come Out Award: Wafaa.

   3. Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue Award: Deshdrohi.

   4. Insensitivity Award: Fashion.

   5. Exceptional Dialogue Delivery: Tusshar Kapoor.

   6. Dara Singh award for the worst accent: Katrina Kaif.

 

Most Wanted Categories

   1. Most Atrocious Lyrics Award: Anvita Dutt Guptani for Lucky Boy from Bachna Ae Haseeno.

   2. Most Original Story: Hari Puttar.

   3. Most Irritating Song of the Year Award: Tandoori Nights from Karzzzzzzzz.

 

Links to the media coverage:-

 

 

 

The Best Job in the World

Economy hit you hard?

Still can't sit down without a cushion?

Looking for a Job?

Well how does this sound -

    Position Vacant: Island Caretaker

    Location: Islands of The Great Barrier Reef

    Salary: AUD$150,000 6-month contract

    Responsibilities: Clean The Pool, Feed The Fish, Collect The Mail, Explore and Report Back

The Queensland government is looking for applicants for the Best Job in the World - Lazing around on the Beach and Blogging about how good it is there. Now if the 'Clean the Pool' and 'Feed the Fish' line doesn't calm the paranoiac in you (unless you think the fish are sharks (which they aren't, actually)) who is looking hard for the catch, it seems much of what the job entails is Blogging about the Islands.

Being an unofficial spokesperson for Queensland Tourism pays extremely well, getting you a little over USD$100,000 (including all allowances and benefits of course) for six months 'work'. After the first stage of selection, a shortlist of 50, and then 10 (+1 Wildcard applicant) will be selected by the proper authorities who will then have to go for the final round of interviews (which will include activities such as skill-based and aptitude tests and team challenges.)

So basically, it's Roadies with much less bullshit, better organization and instead of fifteen seconds of infamy the prize is a cushy government job. All right, so maybe comparing it to Roadies would be a little too much, but the point I'm trying to make is that resorting to such a tactic might not be just a clever marketing ploy (clever indeed since they only spent $1.7 mil for this worldwide campaign, and the hype is expected only to go up) not only a clever marketing ploy, but a revolutionary new move.

I mean think about it ... If more and more government agencies start going the reality show way won't something like, for example, the Civil Services Examination, actually be fun? (or at least, fun to watch.) I mean, look at the selection process for most government jobs - what does a person's General knowledge have to do with their abilities in, say, Resource Management, or Red tape Manufacture or whatever else it is that bureaucrats do? A good memory is nowhere near a good indicator of good judgment or managerial skills, so why not a good physique? A nice smile or voice? How about the ability to eat cupcakes suspended in a cage full of flies without using your hands with fresh cream dripping down your face? _{[Actual task in Khatron ke Khiladi]}

All right so maybe I'm taking it too far, but think about it - intelligence is vastly overrated, stupid people have been discriminated against far too long, and the best, most fun jobs always go to the person least deserving them. Not only does this level the playing field, but it gives everyone a fair, fighting chance.

All you have to do is tell the world in sixty seconds what makes you uniquely qualified for the job.

Good Luck.

The Weather.

While some of you may be the kind of people who can't wait go out and brighten people's days, there are others, others like me, who would rather be sitting home doing whatever the hell they want.

Doing a lot of that (staying at home etc) makes you capable of doing many things - much like unlocking a secret level or skill, one might say. Among these secret skills is the ability to cut through the usual pragmatics and frills of everyday conversation to get to what people are really saying.

Most times people don't really say much, just the usual 'Validate My Existence, Please' (Usually rendered as a Hi!, or a How do I get to the Bus-stop from here?, or even Why is this not done yet?) or the always fun 'Let's See Which One of Us Is Superior' (Have you seen the new xyz? or, So what do you think of the situation in [foreign place]? or, Everyone knows that [useless information]) It is also not uncommon to find 'Please Be My Friend' sprinkled here and there [Can I get you anything?, So where did you go to school?, Ha Ha Good One!]

The reason behind this confounded language - Social Mores, Fear of Confrontation, Ulterior Motives, etc -  is deeply ingrained in our psyches it is not evident to people doing it that they are doing it. In fact, while a lot of people do realize what's going on and know when to play along, most people fail to do so, and often end up taking whatever is spoken at face value. That is why when most people hear 'Shitty weather we're having, huh?' they go 'Yeah, pretty much...' instead of hugging the person.

Not once do people hear what is actually being said; no one does things for others when people say 'This is really hard', no one starts working faster when the Boss comes over and says anything to them, no one automatically accepts someone for who they are without condition or prejudice when they make lame jokes all the time.

Do you realize how often people have to go on about how much fun they used to have before you realize that they're just reliving the high point of their lives. How often must people make polite small talk until you realize what they really want is some of your weed/booze/booty? How often have people talked about their lives when what they really need is a good kick and a yelling at for being a whiny little shit?

It is a sad world indeed. A world without compassion and warmth. A place where friends are few and far in between, and difficult to trust at that. Let us all try to make the world a better, saner place by pledging, from this moment on, to stop all this stupidity and say exactly what we mean, all the time.

I'm Adhiraj Singh and I Need A Fucking Hug.

Good Night and God Bless.

Remember When Vloggers Used to Be Stupid Teenagers ...

... with nothing else to do but whine about their mediocre existence?

I do.
It was a pleasant, breezy time when the Lulz were were easy to come by and politics were the least of your worries. Good was Good and bad was Bad, and telling the difference wasn't all that difficult.

Maybe I've gotten older and wiser, or just more cynical, but lately it is getting more and more difficult. There are still obviously Bad people, and still the Good, but no longer two sides to any situation, whether it is here in India or anywhere else in the world.

Now, the situation here is clearer to me since I am on one side of the fence, but with something like whats happening in Gaza right now, it gets very confusing.

Here is a video from the official media desk of the Israeli Defense Forces (on Youtube,)

Now, this charming Vlog is one of many by the Official Spokesperson of the IDF where they give the world regular rundown of Operation Cast Lead, under which they are now moving into Gaza with ground troops and tanks.

The Channel also features footage from Israeli Air Force planes of Target sites, such as this,

Which as you can see does a pretty good job of setting them up as hi-tech IRL white knights out to save the Gazans from treacherous clutches of Hamas.

But then again, here's an Al-Jazeera newscast from the same day,

showing 50 dead civilians among the dead Hamas workers. For those of you who don't know, this started when Hamas (according to Israel) misfired a rocket aimed at IDF positions and killed two little Gazan girls, breaking the latest ceasefire (Hamas doesn't have a Press Desk. They like to avoid the whole Publicity thing.)

Leaving aside the whole issue of, well, proportion killing, this starts again the whole issue of whether Israel's show of cold, crushing force will send a strong message to Militant elements, or will it lead to a stronger generation of Palestinians ready to give Israel a taste of their own medicine.

I can only hope something like that doesn't start here, despite the many attempts by terrorists to disturb the peace. I for one think it's wise our government hasn't taken any rash steps regarding the Mumbai attacks.

For some closure, and maybe to give some peace of mind to you readers, here is a debate aired on Al-Jazeera where two Jewish and Arab professors talked through their differences and quarelled like children.
 

Good Night.

Preemptive Excerpts from the Trial of Ajmal Amir Kasab, Alleged Shooter

PROSECUTION: ... Please Mr. Patel would you like to tell the court what happened on the night of 26th November?

PATEL: Well, I, uh, was walking, uh, no, I had just got off the, uh, 9:35 train from, uh-

PROSECUTION: Yes, yes, now tell us about when the shooting started.

PATEL: Well, OK, uh, they started shooting at us, um, it was really very scary, uh, my wife died-

PROSECUTION: Sure, yes, now tell us who did it? Is he in this courtroom right now?

PATEL: Um, yeah, uh, that's him over the-

PROSECUTION: Right, thank you Mr. Patel, you may limp back to your seat. Mr. Patel also identifies the accused as the shooter in Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, making him the 70th eyewitness to do so. I could get more your honour but fuck it I just don't want to. Let's send this fucker to jail-

DEFENSE: I-I object Milord!

JUDGE: What grounds?

DEFENSE: I don't know, presumption of guilt? And also, I didn't get my turn!

JUDGE: Oh all right, I suppose you should get a turn ...

DEFENSE: Ok, so, uh, the Accused, my client, it would seem, is in a very sticky situation. But, through the course of my-

JUDGE: Get on with it already!

DEFENSE: Ok, ok. I know Ajmal's face is on all those videos and pictures, and there are all these witnesses too, but it's not as bad as it looks, see! Ajmal, my clients admits that he was present at the Terminus on the day of the alleged shooting-

PROSECUTION: What do you mean 'admits'?

PATEL: What do you mean 'alleged'?

DEFENSE: All right, he did it! He did it! And there are no two ways about! But look at this kid! I mean look at him! Young, hopeful, full of youth and hope! Say something for the nice people, my boy

AJMAL: Death to India! Long have my people suffered! Soon they shall be free! Long live the cause! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: So ... much for that. This poor boy has obviously been brainwashed milord! He can't be held responsible for his actions! He was made to believe he was doing a good thing!

PROSECUTION: Pfft! Hitler thought he was doing a good thing-

DEFENSE: Oh Shut Up! Milord, I'd like to call for a mistrial on account of the Prosecution breaching Godwin's Law!

JUDGE: This court does not recognize made-up Internets laws. Carry on with your desperate speech Defense. And let's try to wrap this up soon, all right?

DEFENSE: Well, I was going for the Insanity Defense ...

JUDGE: The Accused seemed very lucid when he was apprehended, as he is now. Misguided, still, but very much aware of his actions and their repercussions.

DEFENSE: But- But he was on drugs! This poor boy- Look at him! Look at him I tell you! This poor child, raised in a tiny village, middle of nowhere, in a poor family, his father used to sell Dahi-Puri for gods' sake, who even eats that, seriously-

JUDGE: Get to your point already!

DEFENSE: I'm saying he can't be responsible for his actions! He only did it because he's a poor, ignorant kid who would have done anything for the money the militants were offering him and his family to go do some killing for them.

JUDGE: So he's a mercenary, is that what you're saying?

DEFENSE: Um ... a poor, misguided mercenary, yes ... I think.

JUDGE: Employed by Militant groups working against the sovereignty of this country?

DEFENSE: Uh... sure.

JUDGE: Oh, all right, we know how to deal with people like that. I sentence the accused to be Executed, at a date to be announced at a later time.

DEFENSE: Well Ajmal, I tried. I'm really not that good at this sort of thing, you see. All the really good advocates said this would be a pointless exercise-

AJMAL: Silence impudent Indian Dog! Soon my glorious leaders will come to power and reduce your pitiful judicial system to the outmoded laws they still cling to! Cower in anticipation silly lawyer-type person! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: Oh shut up you ...

THE END

Grumpy Blog

Right. So after NOT being bombarded by comments from people asking what the hell my last post was about, I've decided to break. I'm gonna come right out and tell you. It's a Tengwar transliteration of Baby Got Back ... Stoopid!

Here's a couple of Teenage Girls showing you how to do it for yourself.

And if that doesn't interest you here's an Australian Chick playing Spider-pig on the Trombone.

Lapsë Harya-Telle