May 04, 2009

Kaun Banega Pradhan Mantri?

Isn't that the cheesiest, the cliched-est, the most unoriginal title for a post you have ever seen? I don't give a fuck if it is. The point at hand is more important than suggested by the title...or so they would have you believe.

Countless media ventures, tea-sellers, actors, professional celebrities (i.e. people who have become celebrities to earn a living, not professionals who are also celebrities as you might have thought) and their door ke chachajis have been telling you over the past few months to go out and vote, because that is the most important thing you can do in your life. What a load of bullshit!

Don't get me wrong, your vote might actually get counted. And theoretically speaking, your vote might even matter in deciding who becomes the MP from your area or even who becomes the PM of the nation! Oh, the joys of democracy! You get to choose between a mumbling old man who takes orders from the Dynasty and a blundering old man who thinks that an ancient god wants him to make a temple at the site of an arbitrarily chosen dysfunctional mosque. Not to mention the mealy-mouthed woman whose only ambition is to put up ugly statues of herself all over the landscape and the sundry other idiots who think they have a shot.

You might be brainwashed enough to brand me a 'disgruntled youth' who does not know the power of the vote, who does not take his responsibilities as a citizen seriously, who doesn't know that you have to participate to bring about a change. In short you'll call me a 'Pappu' who is not voting (seriously you guys? If you wanted to give a cool image to voting then this is surely not the way to go about it). But the fact of the matter is that it is you, the voters, who are being made pappus by this system. If the choice put before you is between a lying thief and a conniving murderer, who do you vote for Pappu? You exercize your right under Section 49-O to vote for nobody? Then why go to vote at all? To be counted? Among the people who supported mass murderers and thieves of public money? Go right ahead. I will have to decline at this point with a 'thanks, but no thanks.'

I have made my disdain for this farce called democracy evident in earlier posts. But his is not about that. I do believe that until the time that we as a society are ready to let go of this security blanket called a government, democracy is the best option we've got. And I write this article not to undermine democracy but to uphold it. Democracy is not about the right to vote as various vested interests would have you believe. Democracy is about the right to choose. And voting and choosing are not the same thing. I choose not to vote, and that is my democratic right. I choose not to support this system which encourages the immoral opportunists and stupid ideologues. I choose to say that I as a citizen of India refuse to buy into this tamasha anymore. I choose to say that I do not want any of these people to become Prime Minister. I choose to declare that these bozos do not desrve to hold any elected post.

I choose not to vote. For democracy. Join me and declare that you will refuse to vote until you have an actual choice. Refuse to be co-opted into this corrupt system. Refuse to validate the existence of these politicians (so-called leaders) by deigning to vote for them. Refuse to call this farce a democracy...in fact expose the farce by keeping the numbers so low that they can't even claim to represent the will of the people.

Don't vote if you want actual change. Not passively, but actively and vocally.

Viva la revolucion!

March 04, 2009

The Golden Kela Awards - for the ripest tripe in Indian Cinema

Film lovers are going to see an awards show, which is altogether different from what they are used to see generally. RANDOM Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute are organizing the first ever Golden Kela Awards (www.goldenkela.in) in Delhi, on 7th of March, 2009, at the India Habitat Centre. Golden Kela stands out because of its bizarre theme of celebrating the worst of Indian cinema. The event has proper categories like any other awards show, the only difference is instead of awarding the best performances, we award the worst ones.

Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat , both have been nominated for their acting excellence in the year 2008. And, Himesh Reshammiya has a well-deserved nomination in the Worst Actor's category.

The Golden Kela Awards are inspired by the Golden Raspberries or the Razzies of America. The nominations have been decided by the Magazine's board and the winners are going to be selected on the basis of an online poll. So, far we have received tremendous response through public voting and extensive media coverage.

Links to news stories:

Hindustan Times

Buzz 18

Mid Day


If you want to do your bit, log on to http://www.goldenkela.in/ and vote.

Mr. Jaspal Bhatti is the Chief Guest of Honor and he'll be awarded with the Life Time Achievement Award. 

Worst Actor (Male) :

Himesh Reshammiya - Karzzzz
(Monty is back! After 28 years! And he's fatter, cheaper and has weird hair! Not to mention the horrible music. Clip: Kya saboot hai tumhare paas ki tumne Ravi Varma ka khoon nahi kiya?
Hrithik Roshan - Jodhaa Akbar ( Akbar was'nt a tall, green-eyed six-packed handsome mimbo. He was short and stocky and most definitely could speak Urdu with the proper accent.)
Emraan Hashmi - Jannat (Monkey see, monkey do, monkey kiss, monkey plays bookie, monkey still remains a monkey.)
Salman Khan - Yuvvraj (Seriously Sallu bhai, why are you stuck in your ooh, aah and aooon brand of acting when you can choose to do nothing at all like Arjun Rampal or Rahul Bose? Much less work for the same results.)
Rahul Bose - Shaurya (For giving a total of two expressions for the entire duration of a high drama film)

Worst Actor (Female) :

Priyanka Chopra - Dostana, Love Story 2050
(C'mon Piggy...are you even trying? Are you trying to do something other than taking off a lot of your clothes?
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Jodha Akbar (For turning a strong Rajput princess (of dubious veracity) into one of Ekta Kapoor's heroines)
Kareena Kapoor - Tashan, Golmaal Returns (For being as cheap loud and obnoxious...)
Katrina Kaif - Yuvvraj (Oh what a pretty face! Oh what a pretty smile! Oh what a pretty girl! Unfortunately, acting is not skin deep)
Mallika Sherawat - Ugly aur Pagli (I wont waste precious space by saying anything about this performance!)

January 09, 2009

Publicity Stunt Gone Wild (well not quite)...

Before we begin...please watch this...(don't worry, it is safe for work...it's news for god's sake!)






So, as you have found out by now, the porn kings Joe Francis (creator of the very popular Girls Gone Wild series) and the very famous Mr. Larry Flynt (founder of Hustler and famous as the man responsible for making the obscenity laws more liberal with respect to expression of sexuality, was seen by many in The People vs Larry Flynt) have asked the U.S. govt. to give them a $5 Billion bailout. Since the govt. seems to be handing money out to every sector which asks, the Porn Industry (or the Adult Entertainment Industry as they like to call themselves) feels it should get its due.

There are some reasons why this is highly unlikely...

1. They Don't Really Need It
: Yeah sure, getting 5 billion dollars never hurt anybody. But the Porno makers are the last people who would need financial help. Ever since man has been able to make and view lurid pictures, he has been willing to pay for it. I'm sure even the cavemen drew naked chicks as part of their earliest experimentation with art and other cavemen would bring them some meat or yams or something to see the naked chick etched on the rockface. So yes, DVD sales might be going down due to the downturn but stop joking Mr. Flynt...you are far from being bankrupt.

2. Recession = More Sexual Appetite
: One of the reasons given by Messrs Flynt et Francis for needing a bailout is that the governement should step up to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" which has taken a hit due to the crisis. Au contraire...every time the economy goes down, sexual appetite goes up. When you have been laid off and don't have much to do, or when you're really depressed with life...SEX helps! And so does jerking off! In fact most men without jobs spend as much time as possible jerking off! Which means more need for PORN! Which means more money for Mr. Flynt!

3. Porn Doesn't Constitute Sexual Activity:
They say that people are "too depressed to be sexually active" and that is hurting the industry. Well, porn doesn't make you sexually active...unless 'beating your meat' is counted. (And let me tell you from personal experience, depression doesnt quite affect the enjoyment gained from this particular activity.) If you do want people to be sexually active, then you would advise them to get away from their computer screens, put their hand in some less disgusting place and stop wasting time on porn.

4. This is Pure & Unadelterated Bullshit!
: This is just a tongue-in-cheek way to get some cheap publicity for the industry. They won't get a bailout, but by getting people to talk about it will boost their visibility and popularity...especially in depressing times like these when people require 'a hand' to get through their depression.

January 07, 2009

The Killer's Menu

2008

... Ho! Ho! Ho! ... 

'Merry Killings and a Happy New Crime'

Delhi  

  

This was then, but as we further slide into the year 2009, there are chances that you will end up as the killer’s favorite dish for their special occasions. That is is exactly what our Delhites enjoy doing bizarre acts such as above (box in the newspaper article) with their fellow-beings. 

Behold, my friends, observe and be cautious of your every move before landing up in their melting chocolate and creamy dessert of blood delights. Until and unless, you want to put on a little weight and struggle your way up to the Almighty. Calories that are throbbing with madness and insanity while you were being slapped, stabbed, shot or tortured before being relished by these ‘gracious and generous’ killers of the Capital.

 

January 06, 2009

Remember When Vloggers Used to Be Stupid Teenagers ...

... with nothing else to do but whine about their mediocre existence?

I do.
It was a pleasant, breezy time when the Lulz were were easy to come by and politics were the least of your worries. Good was Good and bad was Bad, and telling the difference wasn't all that difficult.

Maybe I've gotten older and wiser, or just more cynical, but lately it is getting more and more difficult. There are still obviously Bad people, and still the Good, but no longer two sides to any situation, whether it is here in India or anywhere else in the world.

Now, the situation here is clearer to me since I am on one side of the fence, but with something like whats happening in Gaza right now, it gets very confusing.

Here is a video from the official media desk of the Israeli Defense Forces (on Youtube,)


Now, this charming Vlog is one of many by the Official Spokesperson of the IDF where they give the world regular rundown of Operation Cast Lead, under which they are now moving into Gaza with ground troops and tanks.

The Channel also features footage from Israeli Air Force planes of Target sites, such as this,


Which as you can see does a pretty good job of setting them up as hi-tech IRL white knights out to save the Gazans from treacherous clutches of Hamas.

But then again, here's an Al-Jazeera newscast from the same day,


showing 50 dead civilians among the dead Hamas workers. For those of you who don't know, this started when Hamas (according to Israel) misfired a rocket aimed at IDF positions and killed two little Gazan girls, breaking the latest ceasefire (Hamas doesn't have a Press Desk. They like to avoid the whole Publicity thing.)

Leaving aside the whole issue of, well, proportion killing, this starts again the whole issue of whether Israel's show of cold, crushing force will send a strong message to Militant elements, or will it lead to a stronger generation of Palestinians ready to give Israel a taste of their own medicine.

I can only hope something like that doesn't start here, despite the many attempts by terrorists to disturb the peace. I for one think it's wise our government hasn't taken any rash steps regarding the Mumbai attacks.

For some closure, and maybe to give some peace of mind to you readers, here is a debate aired on Al-Jazeera where two Jewish and Arab professors talked through their differences and quarelled like children.
 

Good Night.

January 03, 2009

Preemptive Excerpts from the Trial of Ajmal Amir Kasab, Alleged Shooter

PROSECUTION: ... Please Mr. Patel would you like to tell the court what happened on the night of 26th November?

PATEL: Well, I, uh, was walking, uh, no, I had just got off the, uh, 9:35 train from, uh-

PROSECUTION: Yes, yes, now tell us about when the shooting started.

PATEL: Well, OK, uh, they started shooting at us, um, it was really very scary, uh, my wife died-

PROSECUTION: Sure, yes, now tell us who did it? Is he in this courtroom right now?

PATEL: Um, yeah, uh, that's him over the-

PROSECUTION: Right, thank you Mr. Patel, you may limp back to your seat. Mr. Patel also identifies the accused as the shooter in Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, making him the 70th eyewitness to do so. I could get more your honour but fuck it I just don't want to. Let's send this fucker to jail-

DEFENSE: I-I object Milord!

JUDGE: What grounds?

DEFENSE: I don't know, presumption of guilt? And also, I didn't get my turn!

JUDGE: Oh all right, I suppose you should get a turn ...

DEFENSE: Ok, so, uh, the Accused, my client, it would seem, is in a very sticky situation. But, through the course of my-

JUDGE: Get on with it already!

DEFENSE: Ok, ok. I know Ajmal's face is on all those videos and pictures, and there are all these witnesses too, but it's not as bad as it looks, see! Ajmal, my clients admits that he was present at the Terminus on the day of the alleged shooting-

PROSECUTION: What do you mean 'admits'?

PATEL: What do you mean 'alleged'?

DEFENSE: All right, he did it! He did it! And there are no two ways about! But look at this kid! I mean look at him! Young, hopeful, full of youth and hope! Say something for the nice people, my boy

AJMAL: Death to India! Long have my people suffered! Soon they shall be free! Long live the cause! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: So ... much for that. This poor boy has obviously been brainwashed milord! He can't be held responsible for his actions! He was made to believe he was doing a good thing!

PROSECUTION: Pfft! Hitler thought he was doing a good thing-

DEFENSE: Oh Shut Up! Milord, I'd like to call for a mistrial on account of the Prosecution breaching Godwin's Law!

JUDGE: This court does not recognize made-up Internets laws. Carry on with your desperate speech Defense. And let's try to wrap this up soon, all right?

DEFENSE: Well, I was going for the Insanity Defense ...

JUDGE: The Accused seemed very lucid when he was apprehended, as he is now. Misguided, still, but very much aware of his actions and their repercussions.

DEFENSE: But- But he was on drugs! This poor boy- Look at him! Look at him I tell you! This poor child, raised in a tiny village, middle of nowhere, in a poor family, his father used to sell Dahi-Puri for gods' sake, who even eats that, seriously-

JUDGE: Get to your point already!

DEFENSE: I'm saying he can't be responsible for his actions! He only did it because he's a poor, ignorant kid who would have done anything for the money the militants were offering him and his family to go do some killing for them.

JUDGE: So he's a mercenary, is that what you're saying?

DEFENSE: Um ... a poor, misguided mercenary, yes ... I think.

JUDGE: Employed by Militant groups working against the sovereignty of this country?

DEFENSE: Uh... sure.

JUDGE: Oh, all right, we know how to deal with people like that. I sentence the accused to be Executed, at a date to be announced at a later time.

DEFENSE: Well Ajmal, I tried. I'm really not that good at this sort of thing, you see. All the really good advocates said this would be a pointless exercise-

AJMAL: Silence impudent Indian Dog! Soon my glorious leaders will come to power and reduce your pitiful judicial system to the outmoded laws they still cling to! Cower in anticipation silly lawyer-type person! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: Oh shut up you ...

THE END

January 02, 2009

Curious Incident of the 'Beer Man'

I was working on my article when my boss walk passed me and left the newspaper, Times of India, on my colleague's desk who was absent today. The paper was open to its inside page (on the Times Nation section). My eyes got fixed to a headline that said, "Serial Killer 'Beer Man' gets life term." It scampered away my attention from my work, and I jumped to read the whole story.

Here’s the ‘Beer Man’ romanticizing:-

My Name - Ravindra Kantrole
My Fame - I am Your 'Beer Man', baby...Want some?
My position- Mumbai Meri Jaan
My Passion - I love killing people when they're asleep
My Breakthrough Moment - 11th January, 2007
My First Gift - I stabbed him nearly 20 times on his chest, abdomen, arms and thighs; and I felt so good.

How many so far – Seven Deadly Sins (cases)

It’s My Way – I entice my fellow-beings with beer before I take my final shot and celebrate their end.

My Motive – I leave my epithet over their dead bodies with an empty beer can.

I am – Your very own - Beer Man

 Beer

December 13, 2008

a poignant statement for HELP!

HELo peoPle, its ME!

It hAs recently coMe to my attention that it's a BEautIful, shiniNGplace out tHEre! with enough Love anD niceness And Goodness to go Around for everyone INthiSworld! iTs really very siMple to trYto find Warmth and contenment! Its reaLLy just Amatter of goiNg outsiDe and Moving About and looKing for it IN the right place Man! yEah thats right and you can finD it tOo friends! just like i have B, Like fO' shizzle! GoodneSs i have been Talking about tHis for long havEnt i reallY Comrades! bUTi Must saY, LookIng at the PoSition i am in nOw, its suFFicient to say i am happy! 

ITS lUCKy Super fun! yay! so wHy thE sLoPiness? you Morons, gEt happy!!!!!


SERIOUSLY!!!!

December 06, 2008

No, We Can't...

Do you remember that heady November morning (or night, depending on your geographical location), when everything suddenly changed? When the United States of America and the hallowed institution of democracy were redeemed in the eyes of the world? When Hope got a new lease of life?

 

Yes. I’m talking about the historic election of Sen. Barack Husein Obama (D-IL) as the 44th President of the United States of America (which you would have already found out if you had clicked on the link above). The election of the first black president (well, president-elect as of now). The victory of good over evil. The victory of democracy. The ushering in of a new era of change. The sudden realization by common people all over the world that ‘Yes, We Can!’

 

Bullshit.

 

I know what’s going through your head right now. How can you say that? This is the greatest moment in history since 9/11 (which was like, y’know, the opposite of this)! Well, I agree. Definitely a historic moment. But more because of his race than anything else. Why, you ask? Because, nothing is really going to change. What is actually changing is only the perception. And from where I stand, I don’t very much like this change that I see.

 

Suddenly, we’re all fawning and gushing over the great nation of America and the institution of Democracy, like teenaged girls when they see Ranbir Kapoor. And I do not make the comparison lightly. Because the feeling that we got on the aforementioned morning (or whatever time of the day it was in your time zone) was for an object as full of shit as Ranbir Kapoor. Anyway, getting back to what I was saying, all this new-found belief in and zeal for democracy and its power as an agent of change is depressing to a Political Anarchist like me.

 

You see, despite what it would have meant for the world (more death, destruction, war, poverty and terrorism) I would have been really happy with a McCain presidency. And things would have been even better if the Old Man’s ticker gave out and the Princess of Darkness took over the realm.

 

Why o why, you ask again. Well, there is a simple answer. Democracy might be the closest possible thing to true liberty for all, but it isn’t quite there. As it exists, Democracy is just another Control Device to keep you enslaved. And that is your answer. As long as Agents for So-Called Change keep pulling wool over your eyes (inadvertently) to retain your faith in this thing called democracy, no real progress can be made. This is all Obama’s presidency means to me. On the other hand, had the war-crazy McCain (or even better, the crazy Palin) were to become the ‘Leader of the Free World’, your trust in this entertaining farce (already enfeebled by The Idiot’s re-election) would have been destroyed. And then, there would have been true hope for change we actually need.

 

Palin for 2012!

 

Viva L’Anarchie!

December 05, 2008

Terrorism and its after effect on my life

My growing up in an out-and-out Hindu family didn’t have any significant effect on my opinions, ideas and outlook. While my father is one of those people who don’t have a very good opinion of other religions, especially about Muslims (his family was forcibly displaced from erstwhile

East Bengal

), my mother never exhibited any such bitterness against them. I was kind of an outcast between them…or in the entire family, to be more precise. I always thought them to be as good as my kinsmen (sounds filmy, I know), always found Muslim guys irresistibly handsome, and whenever my father spoke against them, I would say with the conviction of a drama queen, ‘No, Papa. This is not fair. They are like us only.’ Poor Papa! That was the beginning of a life-long association of differences of opinion. My Mom would suffer silently from this fear that her only daughter would end up marrying someone outside the community. And I found the entire affair to be extremely romantic, especially eloping with a Muslim guy.

 

Then, the Babri Masjid was destroyed in 1992. I remember watching it on the TV screen, without realizing much of the implications it bore. Things didn’t change radically at our place, since it was a tribal state. But there was a growing conviction in my father’s belief – all Muslims are treacherous. They are not trustworthy at all. As I grew up, I could decipher some of his ill-feelings, though as an Indian born in

India

, I could hardly feel the angst of being uprooted from your soil. I had not met any Muslim person till I joined University. Till then I heard everyone around me referring to the Muslims as ‘terrorists’ and things like that (I guess everyone can guess).

 

My younger brother studied in Chennai and there he made a very good friend – Omar. They got so close, that his mother would look upon my brother as a part of their family. He would frequently stay at their place, would be a part of their family outings, and what not. My parents knew about it and were kind of relieved that there was someone to watch over them. And then it struck me. Why were not they worried this time, when he’s hanging around with ‘those’ people? Why did not they dislike ‘them’ this time? Just because they were taking care of their son? So, they are not actually bad when they are doing you some good.

 

A hitting experience in this regard was very recent. Our friend circle has two Muslims (I won’t refer to their gender, in case they bump into this article). And one of them is extremely close to us to the extent that in time of any need we call upon this person first. But after the recent Mumbai terror attacks, two of my friends (who are Hindu) call the Muslims every possible name, whenever ‘that friend’ is absent. ‘These bloody Muslims, you know! It’s happening all because of them’, is the most common statement. One day I blurted out, ‘But what about the help? That friend helps us like anything. Would you mind taking such help in the future?’ ‘No, Not at all’, came the prompt answer. Actually hypocrisy is the bottom-line of human character. We’ll foul-mouth on the basis of their religion, but at the same time we won’t hesitate to take a ‘little’ help and favors from them. After all it’s all about convenience!