Twenty Onwards Media

Planet Terror - the Ultimate Peeda-Hari Balm

Nothing could comfort my aching pain. It was 32 degrees in my room and I was sweating like a pig in the bitchy Delhi summer. While sitting on my bed and massaging my swollen ankles I was cursing Delhi on one hand and my boy friend on the other. The temperature and my pain were climbing the mercury level at the same speed. It was 12:55 at night and I landed up on Star Movies. And I forgot my pain for the next one and half hours.

 

The tacky, tad and B-grade look of the movie enticed me enough to convince me that there would be enough stuff to laugh at and look at (I personally found Dakota hotter than Cherry Darling).

 

Planet of Terror­ is a film version of a video game where you gotta kill as many zombies as you can. You score a foul if the zombie-puss falls on you or if you get in touch with the green gas, which is the main cause of this Zombie-demic.

 

There is this psycho bio-chemical engineer who amputates balls for his personal correction, played with ‘utmost proficiency’ by Navin Andrews (of Bride and Prejudice infamy). His deal with another psycho – military commander Bruce Willis (he shot Bin Laden twice in his illustrious career) falls apart and he accidentally releases the deadly gas which turned the people of the town into zombies.

 

There is Fergie playing the lesbian lover of Dakota. Dakota is the troubled, neglected wife of psycho surgeon Dr. Block (Josh Brolin) who is planning to run away with her lover. And then there are Go-go dancer Cherry darling (Rose Mc Gowan) and her ex-flame El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) who are the actual heroes. The former is machine gun legged and the latter ‘never misses’ whatever shot he takes.

 

So, there is plenty of fun actually – puss oozing out of a semi-zombie and splashed on Brolin’s face, Navin Andrews frantically collecting the balls and stuffing in his pockets, Cherry Darling flying like Superman and spraying bullets, Dakota with no feeling in her hands (thanks to the anesthetic injections) trying to open a car door and driving it. The reveling moment is when JT (the bone shack owner) finds the concoction of zombie puss and his own blood as the perfect sauce for his eateries. Mmmmm ….. Yummy!!!

 

The film ends like Terminator, with El Wray dying and Cherry Darling donning the cap of the savior of the survivors. It was a pain-killing experience which numbed my sensations till the end credits.     

 

 

Coming Soon: M. Night Shyamalan's Great White Hope

It's widely acknowledged that M. Night Shyamalan has been on a smooth, fast ride downhill after The Sixth Sense. Arguably many people like his later films (probably unsure if the film was really not made well or if they just didn't get it) but it still stands that his peak was The Sixth Sense. The film's 'But He Was Dead All Along!' sort of gimmick didn't really work in his later films, and his unique style of draining a film of all color and vitality had a strange way of alienating audiences.

But come July 2010 (Tentative Release Date) viewers might get to see a new side of M. Night, with The Last Airbender, the live-action adaptation of the Nickelodeon series Aang: The Last Airbender, which is scripting and directing. Aang was a very original American-made anime series, being an entertaining adventure story set in an Asian-influenced fantasy world. In the 'Last Airbender' universe the rhythms of the world are governed by the four elements - Earth, Water, Fire and Air - which can be seen in the four 'Nations' of this world - the Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads (who all were color-coordinated clothing corresponding to their 'nation ... It's a kids cartoon show, no one said it has to be too deep.)

And I'm not going to lie to a bunch of non-existent readers now, I liked the show, I really did. I used to stay up late and watch the reruns on Nick until my work schedule made it hard for me to keep up. And I liked The Sixth Sense, and thought Unbreakable was all right ... and I sat through till the end of Signs and didn't break into a murderous KLPD rage, so that must mean I sort of like Shyamalan's stuff ... so why do I think this film is going to suck?

I mean, look at the trailer! Look,

It looks like fun right?! Its got a kid doing cool shit with his lathi, doing magic with the candles, and then there's a wide-shot with weird ships throwing fire and shit, I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!! THAT SHIT HAS TO BE COOL! I MEAN, sorry, I mean, a little kid with a tattoo on his head doing kung fu should be cool enough, and the magic aspect is the icing on the cake ... but somehow, the trailer ... enh, didn't do it for me. The music, the general tone and lighting of the trailer, and even the little kid ... seemed a little too Harry Potter meets Pirates of the Carribbean for me. I almost expect a lightly disguised minority stereotype to jump out and start sleeping on the job, or goofily try to hit on women, only to fail in a most comical fashion. And they already had this casting controversy, with only caucasians being cast in the lead roles, (which in the original were a nice Benetton spectrum (which of course they changed later, making it slightly more diverse, although Shyamalan changed the original configuration, making the aggressive Fire nation 'Brown' ... which is a strange coincidence since in recent years a lot of aggression has been going down in the Middle East ... where it is hot ... and the people are Brown ... hmm ...)

The trailer gives me this weird SFXtravaganza vibe that is really pissing me off. I liked the Pirates movies (even with the Plot holes etc) but when you have a rich backstory to work with I feel (and I hope) the Director should work them in ... so that we don't have another LOEG on our hands.

(Though even I don't think it'll be that bad, I mean its just a little teaser anyway, and the film is like a whole year away from releasing, I'm sure it'll be great)

Collector's Item

No one can deny the charm of the good old hand-painted movie posters. Despite the sleek and polished effects of Adobe (or whatever software the designers use) on the latest movie posters, the appeal of the hand-painted movie posters is still there. Bright and vibrant colors, imperfect proportions of the features, imbalanced moustaches and gawky postured heroines all add up to this unavoidable charm of this genre of art. These kind of posters undoubtedly have a more rustic and desi feel about them. Especially the posters during the 50’s and 60’s were the best of their kinds.

 

But I’m not here to write about their artistic evaluation as much has been written about this already. Many have also argued that there is nothing creative about them. I don’t want to get into this debate and would rather talk about my way of perceiving this form of visual art. The 50s boasts of numerous classics like Pyaasa,Kagaaz ke Phool,Awara and Shri 420. And, whenever I recall the names of these movies I inevitably end up conjuring up an image of their posters. To me these posters are an intrinsic part of these movies’ identity.  

 

Many consider it to be cheap and meant for the lower masses of the audience. I consider it to be refreshing than the maneuvered look of the present day movie posters. The old school posters involved the painter’s artistic implementation of the feel and look of the movie. In spite of their criticism of being low-class, they are rare classics these days. They are actually fun to look at.

......

Ok, I'll cut the crap now.

Actually I brewed up this whole above-written s***, just because I wanted to write about these inanely intense old movie posters from

Pakistan

. Yes, they have no relation as such with art. They are raw in their execution, are loud in their appearance and just give us some more reasons to make fun of our good ol’ neighbor. Have fun.        

Below is the poster of  the movie Dharti Sheran Di. This movie featured one of Pakistan's greatest movie stars, Sultan Rahi. He also happens to feature in Maula Jatt which according to many Pakistanis is the greatest action movie ever produced in Pakistan.

       

 

 

For the information of the larger mass, this is the poster of Jane Bond 009.  

Maula Jatt - An Unforgettable Experience

I could not understand a single word of those chaste Punjabi dialogues.  But still I was completely knocked out by what I saw in bits and pieces of this action-packed Lollywood masala movie. Khuda Ke Liye may have given an identity to Pakistani movies, but the experience would be incomplete if you don't watch Maula Jatt. You think I'm exaggerating, huh? Then check out the movie in Youtube where an ardent fan has uploaded the movie for the non-believers.

As I would not like to divulge much about the movie, I will simply say that it's a classic tale of love, romance, revenge and the victory of good over the evil ... Go watch the movie online and thank me later...

You still there??? Ok, let me entice you a li'l more. Maula Jatt is this village guy, who is basically the Jatt version of Superman. He performs all these stunts with his weapon which is called gandaasa. Now, don't ask me what is a gandaasa actually. As per my observation it's a magnified version of axe. And, there is Noorie Nutt (it's spelt Nath somewhere), the baddie who is always at the look out for raping someone and this leads to his clash with Maula Jatt.

So, there are lot of blood, ripped off limbs flying in the air and bits of human intestines dangling from Maula's gandaasa. The film has it's touching moments, when Maula appears from nowhere everytime his Bharjai is in need of some sort of help. And for you perverts out there, there is even an item number by Daro Nathni (one of the lust interests of Noorie Nutt), when Maula beats the hell out of the villain who chased her on a horse throughout the village for nearly 10 mins of screen time.

Have look at this iconic poster of the movie:

And the Golden Kela goes to...

Well, the much-awaited event, the 1^st annual Golden Kela ceremony, is over. The event was enthralled with appearances made by Mr. and Mrs. Bhatti, Valentine Shipley, Amit Saigal (editor of RSJ), RJ Sarthak of 95 FM (unfortunately pet-friend Adam did not accompany him) and also the auditorium was throbbing with media and news channels.

All were present to acknowledge the 'true' talent of the Bollywood. And all of you, who were unable to make it and are eagerly waiting for the result of the 1st Golden Kela Awards, here are the winners:-

Main Category

   1. Worst Actor Male: Himesh Reshammiya for Karzzzzzzzz.

   2. Worst Actor Female: Priyanka Chopra for Dostana, Love Story 2050.

   3. Worst Film: Love Story 2050.

   4. Worst Director: Kunal Kohli for Thoda Life Thoda Magic.

   5. Worst Supporting Actor Male: Salman Khan for Hello.

   6. Worst Supporting Actor Female: Kangana Ranaut for Fashion.

   7. Worst Debutant Male: Harman Baweja.

   8. Worst Debutant Female: Anoushka Sharma.

 

Special Categories

   1. Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award:  Ram Gopal Varma for Everything He Did.

   2. When Did This Come Out Award: Wafaa.

   3. Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue Award: Deshdrohi.

   4. Insensitivity Award: Fashion.

   5. Exceptional Dialogue Delivery: Tusshar Kapoor.

   6. Dara Singh award for the worst accent: Katrina Kaif.

 

Most Wanted Categories

   1. Most Atrocious Lyrics Award: Anvita Dutt Guptani for Lucky Boy from Bachna Ae Haseeno.

   2. Most Original Story: Hari Puttar.

   3. Most Irritating Song of the Year Award: Tandoori Nights from Karzzzzzzzz.

 

Links to the media coverage:-

 

 

 

The Golden Kela Awards - for the ripest tripe in Indian Cinema

Film lovers are going to see an awards show, which is altogether different from what they are used to see generally. RANDOM Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute are organizing the first ever Golden Kela Awards (www.goldenkela.in) in Delhi, on 7th of March, 2009, at the India Habitat Centre. Golden Kela stands out because of its bizarre theme of celebrating the worst of Indian cinema. The event has proper categories like any other awards show, the only difference is instead of awarding the best performances, we award the worst ones.

Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat , both have been nominated for their acting excellence in the year 2008. And, Himesh Reshammiya has a well-deserved nomination in the Worst Actor's category.

The Golden Kela Awards are inspired by the Golden Raspberries or the Razzies of America. The nominations have been decided by the Magazine's board and the winners are going to be selected on the basis of an online poll. So, far we have received tremendous response through public voting and extensive media coverage.

Links to news stories:

Hindustan Times

Buzz 18

Mid Day

If you want to do your bit, log on to http://www.goldenkela.in/ and vote.

Mr. Jaspal Bhatti is the Chief Guest of Honor and he'll be awarded with the Life Time Achievement Award. 

Worst Actor (Male) :

Himesh Reshammiya - Karzzzz
(Monty is back! After 28 years! And he's fatter, cheaper and has weird hair! Not to mention the horrible music. Clip: Kya saboot hai tumhare paas ki tumne Ravi Varma ka khoon nahi kiya?
Hrithik Roshan - Jodhaa Akbar ( Akbar was'nt a tall, green-eyed six-packed handsome mimbo. He was short and stocky and most definitely could speak Urdu with the proper accent.)
Emraan Hashmi - Jannat (Monkey see, monkey do, monkey kiss, monkey plays bookie, monkey still remains a monkey.)
Salman Khan - Yuvvraj (Seriously Sallu bhai, why are you stuck in your ooh, aah and aooon brand of acting when you can choose to do nothing at all like Arjun Rampal or Rahul Bose? Much less work for the same results.)
Rahul Bose - Shaurya (For giving a total of two expressions for the entire duration of a high drama film)

Worst Actor (Female) :

Priyanka Chopra - Dostana, Love Story 2050
(C'mon Piggy...are you even trying? Are you trying to do something other than taking off a lot of your clothes?
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Jodha Akbar (For turning a strong Rajput princess (of dubious veracity) into one of Ekta Kapoor's heroines)
Kareena Kapoor - Tashan, Golmaal Returns (For being as cheap loud and obnoxious...)
Katrina Kaif - Yuvvraj (Oh what a pretty face! Oh what a pretty smile! Oh what a pretty girl! Unfortunately, acting is not skin deep)
Mallika Sherawat - Ugly aur Pagli (I wont waste precious space by saying anything about this performance!)

Publicity Stunt Gone Wild (well not quite)...

Before we begin...please watch this...(don't worry, it is safe for work...it's news for god's sake!)

So, as you have found out by now, the porn kings Joe Francis (creator of the very popular Girls Gone Wild series) and the very famous Mr. Larry Flynt (founder of Hustler and famous as the man responsible for making the obscenity laws more liberal with respect to expression of sexuality, was seen by many in The People vs Larry Flynt) have asked the U.S. govt. to give them a $5 Billion bailout. Since the govt. seems to be handing money out to every sector which asks, the Porn Industry (or the Adult Entertainment Industry as they like to call themselves) feels it should get its due.

There are some reasons why this is highly unlikely...

1. They Don't Really Need It : Yeah sure, getting 5 billion dollars never hurt anybody. But the Porno makers are the last people who would need financial help. Ever since man has been able to make and view lurid pictures, he has been willing to pay for it. I'm sure even the cavemen drew naked chicks as part of their earliest experimentation with art and other cavemen would bring them some meat or yams or something to see the naked chick etched on the rockface. So yes, DVD sales might be going down due to the downturn but stop joking Mr. Flynt...you are far from being bankrupt.

2. Recession = More Sexual Appetite : One of the reasons given by Messrs Flynt et Francis for needing a bailout is that the governement should step up to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" which has taken a hit due to the crisis. Au contraire...every time the economy goes down, sexual appetite goes up. When you have been laid off and don't have much to do, or when you're really depressed with life...SEX helps! And so does jerking off! In fact most men without jobs spend as much time as possible jerking off! Which means more need for PORN! Which means more money for Mr. Flynt!

3. Porn Doesn't Constitute Sexual Activity: They say that people are "too depressed to be sexually active" and that is hurting the industry. Well, porn doesn't make you sexually active...unless 'beating your meat' is counted. (And let me tell you from personal experience, depression doesnt quite affect the enjoyment gained from this particular activity.) If you do want people to be sexually active, then you would advise them to get away from their computer screens, put their hand in some less disgusting place and stop wasting time on porn.

4. This is Pure & Unadelterated Bullshit! : This is just a tongue-in-cheek way to get some cheap publicity for the industry. They won't get a bailout, but by getting people to talk about it will boost their visibility and popularity...especially in depressing times like these when people require 'a hand' to get through their depression.

Preemptive Excerpts from the Trial of Ajmal Amir Kasab, Alleged Shooter

PROSECUTION: ... Please Mr. Patel would you like to tell the court what happened on the night of 26th November?

PATEL: Well, I, uh, was walking, uh, no, I had just got off the, uh, 9:35 train from, uh-

PROSECUTION: Yes, yes, now tell us about when the shooting started.

PATEL: Well, OK, uh, they started shooting at us, um, it was really very scary, uh, my wife died-

PROSECUTION: Sure, yes, now tell us who did it? Is he in this courtroom right now?

PATEL: Um, yeah, uh, that's him over the-

PROSECUTION: Right, thank you Mr. Patel, you may limp back to your seat. Mr. Patel also identifies the accused as the shooter in Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, making him the 70th eyewitness to do so. I could get more your honour but fuck it I just don't want to. Let's send this fucker to jail-

DEFENSE: I-I object Milord!

JUDGE: What grounds?

DEFENSE: I don't know, presumption of guilt? And also, I didn't get my turn!

JUDGE: Oh all right, I suppose you should get a turn ...

DEFENSE: Ok, so, uh, the Accused, my client, it would seem, is in a very sticky situation. But, through the course of my-

JUDGE: Get on with it already!

DEFENSE: Ok, ok. I know Ajmal's face is on all those videos and pictures, and there are all these witnesses too, but it's not as bad as it looks, see! Ajmal, my clients admits that he was present at the Terminus on the day of the alleged shooting-

PROSECUTION: What do you mean 'admits'?

PATEL: What do you mean 'alleged'?

DEFENSE: All right, he did it! He did it! And there are no two ways about! But look at this kid! I mean look at him! Young, hopeful, full of youth and hope! Say something for the nice people, my boy

AJMAL: Death to India! Long have my people suffered! Soon they shall be free! Long live the cause! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: So ... much for that. This poor boy has obviously been brainwashed milord! He can't be held responsible for his actions! He was made to believe he was doing a good thing!

PROSECUTION: Pfft! Hitler thought he was doing a good thing-

DEFENSE: Oh Shut Up! Milord, I'd like to call for a mistrial on account of the Prosecution breaching Godwin's Law!

JUDGE: This court does not recognize made-up Internets laws. Carry on with your desperate speech Defense. And let's try to wrap this up soon, all right?

DEFENSE: Well, I was going for the Insanity Defense ...

JUDGE: The Accused seemed very lucid when he was apprehended, as he is now. Misguided, still, but very much aware of his actions and their repercussions.

DEFENSE: But- But he was on drugs! This poor boy- Look at him! Look at him I tell you! This poor child, raised in a tiny village, middle of nowhere, in a poor family, his father used to sell Dahi-Puri for gods' sake, who even eats that, seriously-

JUDGE: Get to your point already!

DEFENSE: I'm saying he can't be responsible for his actions! He only did it because he's a poor, ignorant kid who would have done anything for the money the militants were offering him and his family to go do some killing for them.

JUDGE: So he's a mercenary, is that what you're saying?

DEFENSE: Um ... a poor, misguided mercenary, yes ... I think.

JUDGE: Employed by Militant groups working against the sovereignty of this country?

DEFENSE: Uh... sure.

JUDGE: Oh, all right, we know how to deal with people like that. I sentence the accused to be Executed, at a date to be announced at a later time.

DEFENSE: Well Ajmal, I tried. I'm really not that good at this sort of thing, you see. All the really good advocates said this would be a pointless exercise-

AJMAL: Silence impudent Indian Dog! Soon my glorious leaders will come to power and reduce your pitiful judicial system to the outmoded laws they still cling to! Cower in anticipation silly lawyer-type person! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: Oh shut up you ...

THE END

Lapsë Harya-Telle

Music Video Review: Sophisticated Side Ponytail

Natalie Portman's Shaved Head - Sophisticated Side Ponytail

-=Hi-Res=-

Out of Seattle, indie-disco-synth-pop band Natalie Portman's Shaved Head is called just that. They chose the name because they probably liked the way Natalie Portman looked in the mildly-misguided film adaptation of Alan Moore's V for Vendetta. I guess.

Their debut Album Glistening Pleasure (heh) features many good tunes, like for example the unapologetic Beard Lust [Look at my facial hair\(Oh man, hot damn! It's everywhere!\Where'd you get that beard?)\I grew it\(How'd you keep it so clean?)\I shampoo it\(Yeah!)], the unabashed Me + Yr Daughter [Me and Your Daughter\Never been hotter\Rocking this Party] and the voyeuristic Bedroom Costume [I'm watchin' you\Watchin' me\Watchin' you\Oh, watchin me], along with, of course, the uber-hip Sophisticated Side Ponytail [Do you like my ponytail?\(I do, I do!)\My sideways ponytail?\(It's true, it's true!)] And now, on to the Video!

The Instant Awesome^(R) video for SSP is made by that go, Seattle based Music Video ... Guy(s?), who currently have two videos up on their site (the other one being Jerk it by Thunderheist.) Starring in the video is of course Natalie Portman's Shaved Head (The Band not the Head) and like what most of NPSH's music is made for, they are dancing in it. Filled with chaotic theoretical activity the video is animated with a fast moving collage of color and energy, rhythmically changing patterns of calculated randomness, images of immediate obfuscation played to a backing beat of polyrhythms and synthesizers - thus doing a good job of visually representing the song's lyrics.

A Sample of which - Do you wanna see Shamu with me?
                                         (Yes, I do. I love Shamu)  
                                         Do you wanna go to the Oyster Fest?
                                         (Yes, oh yes! That's the best!)
                                         Do you wanna go on tilt-a-whirl?
                                         (Come on girl, 'till you hurl.)

With catchy call-and-response lyrics like that and synth-pop beats that make you want to jump the video does an excellent job of showing the pace and energy of the song. An example of how the video follows the tempo closely is the way it seamlessly slows down as the song goes into the brief synth-calypso coda and then surges back again as it goes back to its hand-clapping, green screening awesomeness. But seriously now, the video is a great accompaniment to an awesome song and I recommend it to anyone and everyone with a penchant for Electronica music videos, swirly graphics and glowy eyes.

Next Up: Britney's New Shades' Review!