Twenty Onwards Media

Planet Terror - the Ultimate Peeda-Hari Balm

Nothing could comfort my aching pain. It was 32 degrees in my room and I was sweating like a pig in the bitchy Delhi summer. While sitting on my bed and massaging my swollen ankles I was cursing Delhi on one hand and my boy friend on the other. The temperature and my pain were climbing the mercury level at the same speed. It was 12:55 at night and I landed up on Star Movies. And I forgot my pain for the next one and half hours.

 

The tacky, tad and B-grade look of the movie enticed me enough to convince me that there would be enough stuff to laugh at and look at (I personally found Dakota hotter than Cherry Darling).

 

Planet of Terror­ is a film version of a video game where you gotta kill as many zombies as you can. You score a foul if the zombie-puss falls on you or if you get in touch with the green gas, which is the main cause of this Zombie-demic.

 

There is this psycho bio-chemical engineer who amputates balls for his personal correction, played with ‘utmost proficiency’ by Navin Andrews (of Bride and Prejudice infamy). His deal with another psycho – military commander Bruce Willis (he shot Bin Laden twice in his illustrious career) falls apart and he accidentally releases the deadly gas which turned the people of the town into zombies.

 

There is Fergie playing the lesbian lover of Dakota. Dakota is the troubled, neglected wife of psycho surgeon Dr. Block (Josh Brolin) who is planning to run away with her lover. And then there are Go-go dancer Cherry darling (Rose Mc Gowan) and her ex-flame El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) who are the actual heroes. The former is machine gun legged and the latter ‘never misses’ whatever shot he takes.

 

So, there is plenty of fun actually – puss oozing out of a semi-zombie and splashed on Brolin’s face, Navin Andrews frantically collecting the balls and stuffing in his pockets, Cherry Darling flying like Superman and spraying bullets, Dakota with no feeling in her hands (thanks to the anesthetic injections) trying to open a car door and driving it. The reveling moment is when JT (the bone shack owner) finds the concoction of zombie puss and his own blood as the perfect sauce for his eateries. Mmmmm ….. Yummy!!!

 

The film ends like Terminator, with El Wray dying and Cherry Darling donning the cap of the savior of the survivors. It was a pain-killing experience which numbed my sensations till the end credits.     

 

 

Coming Soon: M. Night Shyamalan's Great White Hope

It's widely acknowledged that M. Night Shyamalan has been on a smooth, fast ride downhill after The Sixth Sense. Arguably many people like his later films (probably unsure if the film was really not made well or if they just didn't get it) but it still stands that his peak was The Sixth Sense. The film's 'But He Was Dead All Along!' sort of gimmick didn't really work in his later films, and his unique style of draining a film of all color and vitality had a strange way of alienating audiences.

But come July 2010 (Tentative Release Date) viewers might get to see a new side of M. Night, with The Last Airbender, the live-action adaptation of the Nickelodeon series Aang: The Last Airbender, which is scripting and directing. Aang was a very original American-made anime series, being an entertaining adventure story set in an Asian-influenced fantasy world. In the 'Last Airbender' universe the rhythms of the world are governed by the four elements - Earth, Water, Fire and Air - which can be seen in the four 'Nations' of this world - the Earth Kingdom, the Water Tribes, the Fire Nation and the Air Nomads (who all were color-coordinated clothing corresponding to their 'nation ... It's a kids cartoon show, no one said it has to be too deep.)

And I'm not going to lie to a bunch of non-existent readers now, I liked the show, I really did. I used to stay up late and watch the reruns on Nick until my work schedule made it hard for me to keep up. And I liked The Sixth Sense, and thought Unbreakable was all right ... and I sat through till the end of Signs and didn't break into a murderous KLPD rage, so that must mean I sort of like Shyamalan's stuff ... so why do I think this film is going to suck?

I mean, look at the trailer! Look,

It looks like fun right?! Its got a kid doing cool shit with his lathi, doing magic with the candles, and then there's a wide-shot with weird ships throwing fire and shit, I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK!!! THAT SHIT HAS TO BE COOL! I MEAN, sorry, I mean, a little kid with a tattoo on his head doing kung fu should be cool enough, and the magic aspect is the icing on the cake ... but somehow, the trailer ... enh, didn't do it for me. The music, the general tone and lighting of the trailer, and even the little kid ... seemed a little too Harry Potter meets Pirates of the Carribbean for me. I almost expect a lightly disguised minority stereotype to jump out and start sleeping on the job, or goofily try to hit on women, only to fail in a most comical fashion. And they already had this casting controversy, with only caucasians being cast in the lead roles, (which in the original were a nice Benetton spectrum (which of course they changed later, making it slightly more diverse, although Shyamalan changed the original configuration, making the aggressive Fire nation 'Brown' ... which is a strange coincidence since in recent years a lot of aggression has been going down in the Middle East ... where it is hot ... and the people are Brown ... hmm ...)

The trailer gives me this weird SFXtravaganza vibe that is really pissing me off. I liked the Pirates movies (even with the Plot holes etc) but when you have a rich backstory to work with I feel (and I hope) the Director should work them in ... so that we don't have another LOEG on our hands.

(Though even I don't think it'll be that bad, I mean its just a little teaser anyway, and the film is like a whole year away from releasing, I'm sure it'll be great)

Collector's Item

No one can deny the charm of the good old hand-painted movie posters. Despite the sleek and polished effects of Adobe (or whatever software the designers use) on the latest movie posters, the appeal of the hand-painted movie posters is still there. Bright and vibrant colors, imperfect proportions of the features, imbalanced moustaches and gawky postured heroines all add up to this unavoidable charm of this genre of art. These kind of posters undoubtedly have a more rustic and desi feel about them. Especially the posters during the 50’s and 60’s were the best of their kinds.

 

But I’m not here to write about their artistic evaluation as much has been written about this already. Many have also argued that there is nothing creative about them. I don’t want to get into this debate and would rather talk about my way of perceiving this form of visual art. The 50s boasts of numerous classics like Pyaasa,Kagaaz ke Phool,Awara and Shri 420. And, whenever I recall the names of these movies I inevitably end up conjuring up an image of their posters. To me these posters are an intrinsic part of these movies’ identity.  

 

Many consider it to be cheap and meant for the lower masses of the audience. I consider it to be refreshing than the maneuvered look of the present day movie posters. The old school posters involved the painter’s artistic implementation of the feel and look of the movie. In spite of their criticism of being low-class, they are rare classics these days. They are actually fun to look at.

......

Ok, I'll cut the crap now.

Actually I brewed up this whole above-written s***, just because I wanted to write about these inanely intense old movie posters from

Pakistan

. Yes, they have no relation as such with art. They are raw in their execution, are loud in their appearance and just give us some more reasons to make fun of our good ol’ neighbor. Have fun.        

Below is the poster of  the movie Dharti Sheran Di. This movie featured one of Pakistan's greatest movie stars, Sultan Rahi. He also happens to feature in Maula Jatt which according to many Pakistanis is the greatest action movie ever produced in Pakistan.

       

 

 

For the information of the larger mass, this is the poster of Jane Bond 009.  

Maula Jatt - An Unforgettable Experience

I could not understand a single word of those chaste Punjabi dialogues.  But still I was completely knocked out by what I saw in bits and pieces of this action-packed Lollywood masala movie. Khuda Ke Liye may have given an identity to Pakistani movies, but the experience would be incomplete if you don't watch Maula Jatt. You think I'm exaggerating, huh? Then check out the movie in Youtube where an ardent fan has uploaded the movie for the non-believers.

As I would not like to divulge much about the movie, I will simply say that it's a classic tale of love, romance, revenge and the victory of good over the evil ... Go watch the movie online and thank me later...

You still there??? Ok, let me entice you a li'l more. Maula Jatt is this village guy, who is basically the Jatt version of Superman. He performs all these stunts with his weapon which is called gandaasa. Now, don't ask me what is a gandaasa actually. As per my observation it's a magnified version of axe. And, there is Noorie Nutt (it's spelt Nath somewhere), the baddie who is always at the look out for raping someone and this leads to his clash with Maula Jatt.

So, there are lot of blood, ripped off limbs flying in the air and bits of human intestines dangling from Maula's gandaasa. The film has it's touching moments, when Maula appears from nowhere everytime his Bharjai is in need of some sort of help. And for you perverts out there, there is even an item number by Daro Nathni (one of the lust interests of Noorie Nutt), when Maula beats the hell out of the villain who chased her on a horse throughout the village for nearly 10 mins of screen time.

Have look at this iconic poster of the movie:

Kaun Banega Pradhan Mantri?

Isn't that the cheesiest, the cliched-est, the most unoriginal title for a post you have ever seen? I don't give a fuck if it is. The point at hand is more important than suggested by the title...or so they would have you believe.

Countless media ventures, tea-sellers, actors, professional celebrities (i.e. people who have become celebrities to earn a living, not professionals who are also celebrities as you might have thought) and their door ke chachajis have been telling you over the past few months to go out and vote, because that is the most important thing you can do in your life. What a load of bullshit!

Don't get me wrong, your vote might actually get counted. And theoretically speaking, your vote might even matter in deciding who becomes the MP from your area or even who becomes the PM of the nation! Oh, the joys of democracy! You get to choose between a mumbling old man who takes orders from the Dynasty and a blundering old man who thinks that an ancient god wants him to make a temple at the site of an arbitrarily chosen dysfunctional mosque. Not to mention the mealy-mouthed woman whose only ambition is to put up ugly statues of herself all over the landscape and the sundry other idiots who think they have a shot.

You might be brainwashed enough to brand me a 'disgruntled youth' who does not know the power of the vote, who does not take his responsibilities as a citizen seriously, who doesn't know that you have to participate to bring about a change. In short you'll call me a 'Pappu' who is not voting (seriously you guys? If you wanted to give a cool image to voting then this is surely not the way to go about it). But the fact of the matter is that it is you, the voters, who are being made pappus by this system. If the choice put before you is between a lying thief and a conniving murderer, who do you vote for Pappu? You exercize your right under Section 49-O to vote for nobody? Then why go to vote at all? To be counted? Among the people who supported mass murderers and thieves of public money? Go right ahead. I will have to decline at this point with a 'thanks, but no thanks.'

I have made my disdain for this farce called democracy evident in earlier posts. But his is not about that. I do believe that until the time that we as a society are ready to let go of this security blanket called a government, democracy is the best option we've got. And I write this article not to undermine democracy but to uphold it. Democracy is not about the right to vote as various vested interests would have you believe. Democracy is about the right to choose. And voting and choosing are not the same thing. I choose not to vote, and that is my democratic right. I choose not to support this system which encourages the immoral opportunists and stupid ideologues. I choose to say that I as a citizen of India refuse to buy into this tamasha anymore. I choose to say that I do not want any of these people to become Prime Minister. I choose to declare that these bozos do not desrve to hold any elected post.

I choose not to vote. For democracy. Join me and declare that you will refuse to vote until you have an actual choice. Refuse to be co-opted into this corrupt system. Refuse to validate the existence of these politicians (so-called leaders) by deigning to vote for them. Refuse to call this farce a democracy...in fact expose the farce by keeping the numbers so low that they can't even claim to represent the will of the people.

Don't vote if you want actual change. Not passively, but actively and vocally.

Viva la revolucion!

And the Golden Kela goes to...

Well, the much-awaited event, the 1^st annual Golden Kela ceremony, is over. The event was enthralled with appearances made by Mr. and Mrs. Bhatti, Valentine Shipley, Amit Saigal (editor of RSJ), RJ Sarthak of 95 FM (unfortunately pet-friend Adam did not accompany him) and also the auditorium was throbbing with media and news channels.

All were present to acknowledge the 'true' talent of the Bollywood. And all of you, who were unable to make it and are eagerly waiting for the result of the 1st Golden Kela Awards, here are the winners:-

Main Category

   1. Worst Actor Male: Himesh Reshammiya for Karzzzzzzzz.

   2. Worst Actor Female: Priyanka Chopra for Dostana, Love Story 2050.

   3. Worst Film: Love Story 2050.

   4. Worst Director: Kunal Kohli for Thoda Life Thoda Magic.

   5. Worst Supporting Actor Male: Salman Khan for Hello.

   6. Worst Supporting Actor Female: Kangana Ranaut for Fashion.

   7. Worst Debutant Male: Harman Baweja.

   8. Worst Debutant Female: Anoushka Sharma.

 

Special Categories

   1. Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award:  Ram Gopal Varma for Everything He Did.

   2. When Did This Come Out Award: Wafaa.

   3. Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue Award: Deshdrohi.

   4. Insensitivity Award: Fashion.

   5. Exceptional Dialogue Delivery: Tusshar Kapoor.

   6. Dara Singh award for the worst accent: Katrina Kaif.

 

Most Wanted Categories

   1. Most Atrocious Lyrics Award: Anvita Dutt Guptani for Lucky Boy from Bachna Ae Haseeno.

   2. Most Original Story: Hari Puttar.

   3. Most Irritating Song of the Year Award: Tandoori Nights from Karzzzzzzzz.

 

Links to the media coverage:-

 

 

 

The Golden Kela Awards - for the ripest tripe in Indian Cinema

Film lovers are going to see an awards show, which is altogether different from what they are used to see generally. RANDOM Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute are organizing the first ever Golden Kela Awards (www.goldenkela.in) in Delhi, on 7th of March, 2009, at the India Habitat Centre. Golden Kela stands out because of its bizarre theme of celebrating the worst of Indian cinema. The event has proper categories like any other awards show, the only difference is instead of awarding the best performances, we award the worst ones.

Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat , both have been nominated for their acting excellence in the year 2008. And, Himesh Reshammiya has a well-deserved nomination in the Worst Actor's category.

The Golden Kela Awards are inspired by the Golden Raspberries or the Razzies of America. The nominations have been decided by the Magazine's board and the winners are going to be selected on the basis of an online poll. So, far we have received tremendous response through public voting and extensive media coverage.

Links to news stories:

Hindustan Times

Buzz 18

Mid Day

If you want to do your bit, log on to http://www.goldenkela.in/ and vote.

Mr. Jaspal Bhatti is the Chief Guest of Honor and he'll be awarded with the Life Time Achievement Award. 

Worst Actor (Male) :

Himesh Reshammiya - Karzzzz
(Monty is back! After 28 years! And he's fatter, cheaper and has weird hair! Not to mention the horrible music. Clip: Kya saboot hai tumhare paas ki tumne Ravi Varma ka khoon nahi kiya?
Hrithik Roshan - Jodhaa Akbar ( Akbar was'nt a tall, green-eyed six-packed handsome mimbo. He was short and stocky and most definitely could speak Urdu with the proper accent.)
Emraan Hashmi - Jannat (Monkey see, monkey do, monkey kiss, monkey plays bookie, monkey still remains a monkey.)
Salman Khan - Yuvvraj (Seriously Sallu bhai, why are you stuck in your ooh, aah and aooon brand of acting when you can choose to do nothing at all like Arjun Rampal or Rahul Bose? Much less work for the same results.)
Rahul Bose - Shaurya (For giving a total of two expressions for the entire duration of a high drama film)

Worst Actor (Female) :

Priyanka Chopra - Dostana, Love Story 2050
(C'mon Piggy...are you even trying? Are you trying to do something other than taking off a lot of your clothes?
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Jodha Akbar (For turning a strong Rajput princess (of dubious veracity) into one of Ekta Kapoor's heroines)
Kareena Kapoor - Tashan, Golmaal Returns (For being as cheap loud and obnoxious...)
Katrina Kaif - Yuvvraj (Oh what a pretty face! Oh what a pretty smile! Oh what a pretty girl! Unfortunately, acting is not skin deep)
Mallika Sherawat - Ugly aur Pagli (I wont waste precious space by saying anything about this performance!)

Just when you thought it was all about serious stuff ...

Just when you thought that daily soaps were the greatest levelers, making your mother, wife, mother-in-law and your girlfriend for an hour or so to discuss the virtues of Tulsi-Parvati or to speculate the results of the current reality shows, there’s something brewing inside the TV itself to challenge the title. Yes, I know it all seemed like a miracle to you and your neighbor and fellow countrymen giving rise to this myth. But a closer look will prove the invalidity of your belief. Like any disbeliever (infidel!!!) you will loath my arguments. But if you are a TV-buff, then you would give me a patient hearing.  

See, I won’t go into analyzing the merits of daily soap. There’s no point. Rather I would talk about the thing I want to talk about. Most of us have been lectured by our parents to watch news regularly. I don’t know about you, but I certainly watched other stuff more than news. Come on, back then movies and FTV were more interesting than news. But the present-day news channels are proving our parents right. F**k comedy shows, news channels rock these days.

The seeds of revolution were planted when Aajtak was conceived by some wise old men (and women may be … I’m not too sure). Since, that time it has provided us with our rightful supply of ‘infotainment’. Starting from the plight of a cat stuck in the roof, they went that extra mile to report about the missing dog of the Commissioner. I guess many of you still remember the ticker ‘Commissioner ka kutta mila’ on your TV screen. 

 

 

This is not the end of it as legacy is not created at the snap of a finger like you thought. Remember Muhnochwa? In case you don’t, I’m sorry I can’t help as there are no videos available on youtube to support my claim. Better ask your pados ke Uncle ji or your TV-addict know-it-all friend who cares about anything and everything going in the TV. Not only this, it catapulted the channel to nation-wide fame and gave India her journalistic icon in the name of Deepak Chaurasia. Who can forget his reporting of Pramod Mahajan’s murder? He went on describing his ‘closeness’ with the family and denied that there was any brother by the name of Praveen. His quote, ‘He seems to be a cousin of Pramod.’

There was no one challenging the popularity and credentials of Aajtak, till India TV showed up in the field. And, I must say, what inspiration they have taken from the veterans of the small-screen .... (to be contd.)  

 

Publicity Stunt Gone Wild (well not quite)...

Before we begin...please watch this...(don't worry, it is safe for work...it's news for god's sake!)

So, as you have found out by now, the porn kings Joe Francis (creator of the very popular Girls Gone Wild series) and the very famous Mr. Larry Flynt (founder of Hustler and famous as the man responsible for making the obscenity laws more liberal with respect to expression of sexuality, was seen by many in The People vs Larry Flynt) have asked the U.S. govt. to give them a $5 Billion bailout. Since the govt. seems to be handing money out to every sector which asks, the Porn Industry (or the Adult Entertainment Industry as they like to call themselves) feels it should get its due.

There are some reasons why this is highly unlikely...

1. They Don't Really Need It : Yeah sure, getting 5 billion dollars never hurt anybody. But the Porno makers are the last people who would need financial help. Ever since man has been able to make and view lurid pictures, he has been willing to pay for it. I'm sure even the cavemen drew naked chicks as part of their earliest experimentation with art and other cavemen would bring them some meat or yams or something to see the naked chick etched on the rockface. So yes, DVD sales might be going down due to the downturn but stop joking Mr. Flynt...you are far from being bankrupt.

2. Recession = More Sexual Appetite : One of the reasons given by Messrs Flynt et Francis for needing a bailout is that the governement should step up to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America" which has taken a hit due to the crisis. Au contraire...every time the economy goes down, sexual appetite goes up. When you have been laid off and don't have much to do, or when you're really depressed with life...SEX helps! And so does jerking off! In fact most men without jobs spend as much time as possible jerking off! Which means more need for PORN! Which means more money for Mr. Flynt!

3. Porn Doesn't Constitute Sexual Activity: They say that people are "too depressed to be sexually active" and that is hurting the industry. Well, porn doesn't make you sexually active...unless 'beating your meat' is counted. (And let me tell you from personal experience, depression doesnt quite affect the enjoyment gained from this particular activity.) If you do want people to be sexually active, then you would advise them to get away from their computer screens, put their hand in some less disgusting place and stop wasting time on porn.

4. This is Pure & Unadelterated Bullshit! : This is just a tongue-in-cheek way to get some cheap publicity for the industry. They won't get a bailout, but by getting people to talk about it will boost their visibility and popularity...especially in depressing times like these when people require 'a hand' to get through their depression.

Love Thy Neighbor??? No way!!!

My parents have tried hard to instill some qualities in me. They laid down certain basic principles for both me and my brother to follow. It's a different fact that they gave up after a certain point of time given to my forgetful nature and my head-strong brother. What struck me was the hitting absence of this principle - Be friendly with your neighbor and maintain a cordial relation with them. In big cities I can understand that it's not easy to even be in touch with your friends and relatives, forget the neighbors. But even in a small town like ours we were very much out of touch with our neighbors, except a few. It was mostly because of my father, who is extremely selective about the kind of people he would be in touch with. So, it used to be like this - our neighbors used to call on my father (he is a doctor) in times of need with a sheepish grin on their face. And my father would surely help them, but with a furrowed brow. In times of an occasion they would invite us, and my father would certainly not go and send my mom to do the formalities. As kids we were spared of this headache of thinking about neighbors.

After a year-long stay in Delhi I have understood the significance of having a neighbor. Actually your needs and comforts depend on them at times. Initially when I moved in it was all fun, as my neighbors were my seniors from university. It was all fun with all of us having late night discussions, watching movies, having dinner together. They were more of housemates than neighbors.

But things drastically changed after they moved out. In came a couple whose existence have become a burden on my stay at home. Now, I respect other people's space and privacy (I'm not conservative in this regard as per my revered colleagues). But WTF am I supposed to do when they can't keep their things under control???