Twenty Onwards Media

Planet Terror - the Ultimate Peeda-Hari Balm

Nothing could comfort my aching pain. It was 32 degrees in my room and I was sweating like a pig in the bitchy Delhi summer. While sitting on my bed and massaging my swollen ankles I was cursing Delhi on one hand and my boy friend on the other. The temperature and my pain were climbing the mercury level at the same speed. It was 12:55 at night and I landed up on Star Movies. And I forgot my pain for the next one and half hours.

 

The tacky, tad and B-grade look of the movie enticed me enough to convince me that there would be enough stuff to laugh at and look at (I personally found Dakota hotter than Cherry Darling).

 

Planet of Terror­ is a film version of a video game where you gotta kill as many zombies as you can. You score a foul if the zombie-puss falls on you or if you get in touch with the green gas, which is the main cause of this Zombie-demic.

 

There is this psycho bio-chemical engineer who amputates balls for his personal correction, played with ‘utmost proficiency’ by Navin Andrews (of Bride and Prejudice infamy). His deal with another psycho – military commander Bruce Willis (he shot Bin Laden twice in his illustrious career) falls apart and he accidentally releases the deadly gas which turned the people of the town into zombies.

 

There is Fergie playing the lesbian lover of Dakota. Dakota is the troubled, neglected wife of psycho surgeon Dr. Block (Josh Brolin) who is planning to run away with her lover. And then there are Go-go dancer Cherry darling (Rose Mc Gowan) and her ex-flame El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) who are the actual heroes. The former is machine gun legged and the latter ‘never misses’ whatever shot he takes.

 

So, there is plenty of fun actually – puss oozing out of a semi-zombie and splashed on Brolin’s face, Navin Andrews frantically collecting the balls and stuffing in his pockets, Cherry Darling flying like Superman and spraying bullets, Dakota with no feeling in her hands (thanks to the anesthetic injections) trying to open a car door and driving it. The reveling moment is when JT (the bone shack owner) finds the concoction of zombie puss and his own blood as the perfect sauce for his eateries. Mmmmm ….. Yummy!!!

 

The film ends like Terminator, with El Wray dying and Cherry Darling donning the cap of the savior of the survivors. It was a pain-killing experience which numbed my sensations till the end credits.     

 

 

The Myth about Bengalees

When most kids of this country grow up reading Sherlock Holmes and Hercule Poirot in the name of detective books, we Bengalees simply swear by our home-bred hero Phelu da. Out here in north India hardly anyone knows about this character courtesy the lack of enthusiasm to translate these stories for the larger mass and also because of general people’s disinterest in anything Bengalee (however they do take active interest in making fun of this community in every possible way). Dude seriously, Bengalees do know other things apart from eating ‘rosogolla and mishti doi’, saying ‘Hoodi baba’ in every sentence and eating ‘machh’ 24X7.

                            

So, the other day, while showing off each other’s birthday gifts (Thanks Anant for the gift again), we ended up discussing a li’l bit about Satyajit Ray, the man and brain behind Phelu da. Honestly speaking, this man probably saved our grace to some extent in front of rest of the country. A filmmaker, a writer, an illustrator (he was the one who designed the logo of Gold Flake) – he tried hands in so many things and successfully. My childhood memories are mostly reading up Phelu da and his other works - the stories of wacky Prof. Shonku, his accounts of his experience of making particular movies, his memoirs.   The simplicity of the language was meant for all. And, they certainly didn’t lack any literary value. And, yes, Ray wasn’t artsy-fartsy in the true sense of the term.

 

My colleague accused Ray of being artsy-fartsy and speaking in a baritone. I will say that except some of his movies like Nayak, Chidiyakhana, Pratidwandi, Ray has never been intellectual in his art of story-telling. Who can deny the lucid narrative of Pather Panchali? Who can escape the vigorous tension between the characters in Shakha Proshakha? And for disbelievers I would ask them to start off with Sonar Kella (The Golden Fort). As far as the baritone is concerned, if we can tolerate Amitabh Bachchan for the last six decades, then I would say that Ray’s baritone is any day if not better, but as good as that of Mr. Bachchan.

 

 

Collector's Item

No one can deny the charm of the good old hand-painted movie posters. Despite the sleek and polished effects of Adobe (or whatever software the designers use) on the latest movie posters, the appeal of the hand-painted movie posters is still there. Bright and vibrant colors, imperfect proportions of the features, imbalanced moustaches and gawky postured heroines all add up to this unavoidable charm of this genre of art. These kind of posters undoubtedly have a more rustic and desi feel about them. Especially the posters during the 50’s and 60’s were the best of their kinds.

 

But I’m not here to write about their artistic evaluation as much has been written about this already. Many have also argued that there is nothing creative about them. I don’t want to get into this debate and would rather talk about my way of perceiving this form of visual art. The 50s boasts of numerous classics like Pyaasa,Kagaaz ke Phool,Awara and Shri 420. And, whenever I recall the names of these movies I inevitably end up conjuring up an image of their posters. To me these posters are an intrinsic part of these movies’ identity.  

 

Many consider it to be cheap and meant for the lower masses of the audience. I consider it to be refreshing than the maneuvered look of the present day movie posters. The old school posters involved the painter’s artistic implementation of the feel and look of the movie. In spite of their criticism of being low-class, they are rare classics these days. They are actually fun to look at.

......

Ok, I'll cut the crap now.

Actually I brewed up this whole above-written s***, just because I wanted to write about these inanely intense old movie posters from

Pakistan

. Yes, they have no relation as such with art. They are raw in their execution, are loud in their appearance and just give us some more reasons to make fun of our good ol’ neighbor. Have fun.        

Below is the poster of  the movie Dharti Sheran Di. This movie featured one of Pakistan's greatest movie stars, Sultan Rahi. He also happens to feature in Maula Jatt which according to many Pakistanis is the greatest action movie ever produced in Pakistan.

       

 

 

For the information of the larger mass, this is the poster of Jane Bond 009.  

Maula Jatt - An Unforgettable Experience

I could not understand a single word of those chaste Punjabi dialogues.  But still I was completely knocked out by what I saw in bits and pieces of this action-packed Lollywood masala movie. Khuda Ke Liye may have given an identity to Pakistani movies, but the experience would be incomplete if you don't watch Maula Jatt. You think I'm exaggerating, huh? Then check out the movie in Youtube where an ardent fan has uploaded the movie for the non-believers.

As I would not like to divulge much about the movie, I will simply say that it's a classic tale of love, romance, revenge and the victory of good over the evil ... Go watch the movie online and thank me later...

You still there??? Ok, let me entice you a li'l more. Maula Jatt is this village guy, who is basically the Jatt version of Superman. He performs all these stunts with his weapon which is called gandaasa. Now, don't ask me what is a gandaasa actually. As per my observation it's a magnified version of axe. And, there is Noorie Nutt (it's spelt Nath somewhere), the baddie who is always at the look out for raping someone and this leads to his clash with Maula Jatt.

So, there are lot of blood, ripped off limbs flying in the air and bits of human intestines dangling from Maula's gandaasa. The film has it's touching moments, when Maula appears from nowhere everytime his Bharjai is in need of some sort of help. And for you perverts out there, there is even an item number by Daro Nathni (one of the lust interests of Noorie Nutt), when Maula beats the hell out of the villain who chased her on a horse throughout the village for nearly 10 mins of screen time.

Have look at this iconic poster of the movie:

And the Golden Kela goes to...

Well, the much-awaited event, the 1^st annual Golden Kela ceremony, is over. The event was enthralled with appearances made by Mr. and Mrs. Bhatti, Valentine Shipley, Amit Saigal (editor of RSJ), RJ Sarthak of 95 FM (unfortunately pet-friend Adam did not accompany him) and also the auditorium was throbbing with media and news channels.

All were present to acknowledge the 'true' talent of the Bollywood. And all of you, who were unable to make it and are eagerly waiting for the result of the 1st Golden Kela Awards, here are the winners:-

Main Category

   1. Worst Actor Male: Himesh Reshammiya for Karzzzzzzzz.

   2. Worst Actor Female: Priyanka Chopra for Dostana, Love Story 2050.

   3. Worst Film: Love Story 2050.

   4. Worst Director: Kunal Kohli for Thoda Life Thoda Magic.

   5. Worst Supporting Actor Male: Salman Khan for Hello.

   6. Worst Supporting Actor Female: Kangana Ranaut for Fashion.

   7. Worst Debutant Male: Harman Baweja.

   8. Worst Debutant Female: Anoushka Sharma.

 

Special Categories

   1. Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award:  Ram Gopal Varma for Everything He Did.

   2. When Did This Come Out Award: Wafaa.

   3. Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue Award: Deshdrohi.

   4. Insensitivity Award: Fashion.

   5. Exceptional Dialogue Delivery: Tusshar Kapoor.

   6. Dara Singh award for the worst accent: Katrina Kaif.

 

Most Wanted Categories

   1. Most Atrocious Lyrics Award: Anvita Dutt Guptani for Lucky Boy from Bachna Ae Haseeno.

   2. Most Original Story: Hari Puttar.

   3. Most Irritating Song of the Year Award: Tandoori Nights from Karzzzzzzzz.

 

Links to the media coverage:-

 

 

 

The Golden Kela Awards - for the ripest tripe in Indian Cinema

Film lovers are going to see an awards show, which is altogether different from what they are used to see generally. RANDOM Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute are organizing the first ever Golden Kela Awards (www.goldenkela.in) in Delhi, on 7th of March, 2009, at the India Habitat Centre. Golden Kela stands out because of its bizarre theme of celebrating the worst of Indian cinema. The event has proper categories like any other awards show, the only difference is instead of awarding the best performances, we award the worst ones.

Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat , both have been nominated for their acting excellence in the year 2008. And, Himesh Reshammiya has a well-deserved nomination in the Worst Actor's category.

The Golden Kela Awards are inspired by the Golden Raspberries or the Razzies of America. The nominations have been decided by the Magazine's board and the winners are going to be selected on the basis of an online poll. So, far we have received tremendous response through public voting and extensive media coverage.

Links to news stories:

Hindustan Times

Buzz 18

Mid Day

If you want to do your bit, log on to http://www.goldenkela.in/ and vote.

Mr. Jaspal Bhatti is the Chief Guest of Honor and he'll be awarded with the Life Time Achievement Award. 

Worst Actor (Male) :

Himesh Reshammiya - Karzzzz
(Monty is back! After 28 years! And he's fatter, cheaper and has weird hair! Not to mention the horrible music. Clip: Kya saboot hai tumhare paas ki tumne Ravi Varma ka khoon nahi kiya?
Hrithik Roshan - Jodhaa Akbar ( Akbar was'nt a tall, green-eyed six-packed handsome mimbo. He was short and stocky and most definitely could speak Urdu with the proper accent.)
Emraan Hashmi - Jannat (Monkey see, monkey do, monkey kiss, monkey plays bookie, monkey still remains a monkey.)
Salman Khan - Yuvvraj (Seriously Sallu bhai, why are you stuck in your ooh, aah and aooon brand of acting when you can choose to do nothing at all like Arjun Rampal or Rahul Bose? Much less work for the same results.)
Rahul Bose - Shaurya (For giving a total of two expressions for the entire duration of a high drama film)

Worst Actor (Female) :

Priyanka Chopra - Dostana, Love Story 2050
(C'mon Piggy...are you even trying? Are you trying to do something other than taking off a lot of your clothes?
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Jodha Akbar (For turning a strong Rajput princess (of dubious veracity) into one of Ekta Kapoor's heroines)
Kareena Kapoor - Tashan, Golmaal Returns (For being as cheap loud and obnoxious...)
Katrina Kaif - Yuvvraj (Oh what a pretty face! Oh what a pretty smile! Oh what a pretty girl! Unfortunately, acting is not skin deep)
Mallika Sherawat - Ugly aur Pagli (I wont waste precious space by saying anything about this performance!)

Just when you thought it was all about serious stuff ...

Just when you thought that daily soaps were the greatest levelers, making your mother, wife, mother-in-law and your girlfriend for an hour or so to discuss the virtues of Tulsi-Parvati or to speculate the results of the current reality shows, there’s something brewing inside the TV itself to challenge the title. Yes, I know it all seemed like a miracle to you and your neighbor and fellow countrymen giving rise to this myth. But a closer look will prove the invalidity of your belief. Like any disbeliever (infidel!!!) you will loath my arguments. But if you are a TV-buff, then you would give me a patient hearing.  

See, I won’t go into analyzing the merits of daily soap. There’s no point. Rather I would talk about the thing I want to talk about. Most of us have been lectured by our parents to watch news regularly. I don’t know about you, but I certainly watched other stuff more than news. Come on, back then movies and FTV were more interesting than news. But the present-day news channels are proving our parents right. F**k comedy shows, news channels rock these days.

The seeds of revolution were planted when Aajtak was conceived by some wise old men (and women may be … I’m not too sure). Since, that time it has provided us with our rightful supply of ‘infotainment’. Starting from the plight of a cat stuck in the roof, they went that extra mile to report about the missing dog of the Commissioner. I guess many of you still remember the ticker ‘Commissioner ka kutta mila’ on your TV screen. 

 

 

This is not the end of it as legacy is not created at the snap of a finger like you thought. Remember Muhnochwa? In case you don’t, I’m sorry I can’t help as there are no videos available on youtube to support my claim. Better ask your pados ke Uncle ji or your TV-addict know-it-all friend who cares about anything and everything going in the TV. Not only this, it catapulted the channel to nation-wide fame and gave India her journalistic icon in the name of Deepak Chaurasia. Who can forget his reporting of Pramod Mahajan’s murder? He went on describing his ‘closeness’ with the family and denied that there was any brother by the name of Praveen. His quote, ‘He seems to be a cousin of Pramod.’

There was no one challenging the popularity and credentials of Aajtak, till India TV showed up in the field. And, I must say, what inspiration they have taken from the veterans of the small-screen .... (to be contd.)  

 

Love Thy Neighbor??? No way!!!

My parents have tried hard to instill some qualities in me. They laid down certain basic principles for both me and my brother to follow. It's a different fact that they gave up after a certain point of time given to my forgetful nature and my head-strong brother. What struck me was the hitting absence of this principle - Be friendly with your neighbor and maintain a cordial relation with them. In big cities I can understand that it's not easy to even be in touch with your friends and relatives, forget the neighbors. But even in a small town like ours we were very much out of touch with our neighbors, except a few. It was mostly because of my father, who is extremely selective about the kind of people he would be in touch with. So, it used to be like this - our neighbors used to call on my father (he is a doctor) in times of need with a sheepish grin on their face. And my father would surely help them, but with a furrowed brow. In times of an occasion they would invite us, and my father would certainly not go and send my mom to do the formalities. As kids we were spared of this headache of thinking about neighbors.

After a year-long stay in Delhi I have understood the significance of having a neighbor. Actually your needs and comforts depend on them at times. Initially when I moved in it was all fun, as my neighbors were my seniors from university. It was all fun with all of us having late night discussions, watching movies, having dinner together. They were more of housemates than neighbors.

But things drastically changed after they moved out. In came a couple whose existence have become a burden on my stay at home. Now, I respect other people's space and privacy (I'm not conservative in this regard as per my revered colleagues). But WTF am I supposed to do when they can't keep their things under control???

I'm Very Very Sorry!!!

'Sorry' ... I think it's one of the most widely-used words in the English vocabulary. We step on someone's feet, we say 'Sorry'. We bump into someone in a busy road, we say, 'Sorry'. 'Sorry' is everywhere like the invisible germs in the air. You never know when you're going to say this word and to whom. Like a silent assassin it waits for you patiently in some dark alleys of time to jump on a defenseless you.

Apology is the name of the feeling associated with 'Sorry'. Hundreds of years ago Shakespeare wrote 'Quality of Mercy' much to the fortune of the literary world (and to a great annoyance of mine, as it was in my course in school). Though I'm not much of a fan of poems, I liked the inherent message of the poem - that this quality blesses both the guilty one and the one who forgives. But these anyone hardly cares for the strong emotions behind this word. We use this now and then, like napkins.

It's high time that we realize the importance of this. We should say 'Sorry' and we should mean it.

 

Preemptive Excerpts from the Trial of Ajmal Amir Kasab, Alleged Shooter

PROSECUTION: ... Please Mr. Patel would you like to tell the court what happened on the night of 26th November?

PATEL: Well, I, uh, was walking, uh, no, I had just got off the, uh, 9:35 train from, uh-

PROSECUTION: Yes, yes, now tell us about when the shooting started.

PATEL: Well, OK, uh, they started shooting at us, um, it was really very scary, uh, my wife died-

PROSECUTION: Sure, yes, now tell us who did it? Is he in this courtroom right now?

PATEL: Um, yeah, uh, that's him over the-

PROSECUTION: Right, thank you Mr. Patel, you may limp back to your seat. Mr. Patel also identifies the accused as the shooter in Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus, making him the 70th eyewitness to do so. I could get more your honour but fuck it I just don't want to. Let's send this fucker to jail-

DEFENSE: I-I object Milord!

JUDGE: What grounds?

DEFENSE: I don't know, presumption of guilt? And also, I didn't get my turn!

JUDGE: Oh all right, I suppose you should get a turn ...

DEFENSE: Ok, so, uh, the Accused, my client, it would seem, is in a very sticky situation. But, through the course of my-

JUDGE: Get on with it already!

DEFENSE: Ok, ok. I know Ajmal's face is on all those videos and pictures, and there are all these witnesses too, but it's not as bad as it looks, see! Ajmal, my clients admits that he was present at the Terminus on the day of the alleged shooting-

PROSECUTION: What do you mean 'admits'?

PATEL: What do you mean 'alleged'?

DEFENSE: All right, he did it! He did it! And there are no two ways about! But look at this kid! I mean look at him! Young, hopeful, full of youth and hope! Say something for the nice people, my boy

AJMAL: Death to India! Long have my people suffered! Soon they shall be free! Long live the cause! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: So ... much for that. This poor boy has obviously been brainwashed milord! He can't be held responsible for his actions! He was made to believe he was doing a good thing!

PROSECUTION: Pfft! Hitler thought he was doing a good thing-

DEFENSE: Oh Shut Up! Milord, I'd like to call for a mistrial on account of the Prosecution breaching Godwin's Law!

JUDGE: This court does not recognize made-up Internets laws. Carry on with your desperate speech Defense. And let's try to wrap this up soon, all right?

DEFENSE: Well, I was going for the Insanity Defense ...

JUDGE: The Accused seemed very lucid when he was apprehended, as he is now. Misguided, still, but very much aware of his actions and their repercussions.

DEFENSE: But- But he was on drugs! This poor boy- Look at him! Look at him I tell you! This poor child, raised in a tiny village, middle of nowhere, in a poor family, his father used to sell Dahi-Puri for gods' sake, who even eats that, seriously-

JUDGE: Get to your point already!

DEFENSE: I'm saying he can't be responsible for his actions! He only did it because he's a poor, ignorant kid who would have done anything for the money the militants were offering him and his family to go do some killing for them.

JUDGE: So he's a mercenary, is that what you're saying?

DEFENSE: Um ... a poor, misguided mercenary, yes ... I think.

JUDGE: Employed by Militant groups working against the sovereignty of this country?

DEFENSE: Uh... sure.

JUDGE: Oh, all right, we know how to deal with people like that. I sentence the accused to be Executed, at a date to be announced at a later time.

DEFENSE: Well Ajmal, I tried. I'm really not that good at this sort of thing, you see. All the really good advocates said this would be a pointless exercise-

AJMAL: Silence impudent Indian Dog! Soon my glorious leaders will come to power and reduce your pitiful judicial system to the outmoded laws they still cling to! Cower in anticipation silly lawyer-type person! [FOAM AT MOUTH]

DEFENSE: Oh shut up you ...

THE END