Twenty Onwards Media

Planet Terror - the Ultimate Peeda-Hari Balm

Nothing could comfort my aching pain. It was 32 degrees in my room and I was sweating like a pig in the bitchy Delhi summer. While sitting on my bed and massaging my swollen ankles I was cursing Delhi on one hand and my boy friend on the other. The temperature and my pain were climbing the mercury level at the same speed. It was 12:55 at night and I landed up on Star Movies. And I forgot my pain for the next one and half hours.

 

The tacky, tad and B-grade look of the movie enticed me enough to convince me that there would be enough stuff to laugh at and look at (I personally found Dakota hotter than Cherry Darling).

 

Planet of Terror­ is a film version of a video game where you gotta kill as many zombies as you can. You score a foul if the zombie-puss falls on you or if you get in touch with the green gas, which is the main cause of this Zombie-demic.

 

There is this psycho bio-chemical engineer who amputates balls for his personal correction, played with ‘utmost proficiency’ by Navin Andrews (of Bride and Prejudice infamy). His deal with another psycho – military commander Bruce Willis (he shot Bin Laden twice in his illustrious career) falls apart and he accidentally releases the deadly gas which turned the people of the town into zombies.

 

There is Fergie playing the lesbian lover of Dakota. Dakota is the troubled, neglected wife of psycho surgeon Dr. Block (Josh Brolin) who is planning to run away with her lover. And then there are Go-go dancer Cherry darling (Rose Mc Gowan) and her ex-flame El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez) who are the actual heroes. The former is machine gun legged and the latter ‘never misses’ whatever shot he takes.

 

So, there is plenty of fun actually – puss oozing out of a semi-zombie and splashed on Brolin’s face, Navin Andrews frantically collecting the balls and stuffing in his pockets, Cherry Darling flying like Superman and spraying bullets, Dakota with no feeling in her hands (thanks to the anesthetic injections) trying to open a car door and driving it. The reveling moment is when JT (the bone shack owner) finds the concoction of zombie puss and his own blood as the perfect sauce for his eateries. Mmmmm ….. Yummy!!!

 

The film ends like Terminator, with El Wray dying and Cherry Darling donning the cap of the savior of the survivors. It was a pain-killing experience which numbed my sensations till the end credits.     

 

 

Collector's Item

No one can deny the charm of the good old hand-painted movie posters. Despite the sleek and polished effects of Adobe (or whatever software the designers use) on the latest movie posters, the appeal of the hand-painted movie posters is still there. Bright and vibrant colors, imperfect proportions of the features, imbalanced moustaches and gawky postured heroines all add up to this unavoidable charm of this genre of art. These kind of posters undoubtedly have a more rustic and desi feel about them. Especially the posters during the 50’s and 60’s were the best of their kinds.

 

But I’m not here to write about their artistic evaluation as much has been written about this already. Many have also argued that there is nothing creative about them. I don’t want to get into this debate and would rather talk about my way of perceiving this form of visual art. The 50s boasts of numerous classics like Pyaasa,Kagaaz ke Phool,Awara and Shri 420. And, whenever I recall the names of these movies I inevitably end up conjuring up an image of their posters. To me these posters are an intrinsic part of these movies’ identity.  

 

Many consider it to be cheap and meant for the lower masses of the audience. I consider it to be refreshing than the maneuvered look of the present day movie posters. The old school posters involved the painter’s artistic implementation of the feel and look of the movie. In spite of their criticism of being low-class, they are rare classics these days. They are actually fun to look at.

......

Ok, I'll cut the crap now.

Actually I brewed up this whole above-written s***, just because I wanted to write about these inanely intense old movie posters from

Pakistan

. Yes, they have no relation as such with art. They are raw in their execution, are loud in their appearance and just give us some more reasons to make fun of our good ol’ neighbor. Have fun.        

Below is the poster of  the movie Dharti Sheran Di. This movie featured one of Pakistan's greatest movie stars, Sultan Rahi. He also happens to feature in Maula Jatt which according to many Pakistanis is the greatest action movie ever produced in Pakistan.

       

 

 

For the information of the larger mass, this is the poster of Jane Bond 009.  

And the Golden Kela goes to...

Well, the much-awaited event, the 1^st annual Golden Kela ceremony, is over. The event was enthralled with appearances made by Mr. and Mrs. Bhatti, Valentine Shipley, Amit Saigal (editor of RSJ), RJ Sarthak of 95 FM (unfortunately pet-friend Adam did not accompany him) and also the auditorium was throbbing with media and news channels.

All were present to acknowledge the 'true' talent of the Bollywood. And all of you, who were unable to make it and are eagerly waiting for the result of the 1st Golden Kela Awards, here are the winners:-

Main Category

   1. Worst Actor Male: Himesh Reshammiya for Karzzzzzzzz.

   2. Worst Actor Female: Priyanka Chopra for Dostana, Love Story 2050.

   3. Worst Film: Love Story 2050.

   4. Worst Director: Kunal Kohli for Thoda Life Thoda Magic.

   5. Worst Supporting Actor Male: Salman Khan for Hello.

   6. Worst Supporting Actor Female: Kangana Ranaut for Fashion.

   7. Worst Debutant Male: Harman Baweja.

   8. Worst Debutant Female: Anoushka Sharma.

 

Special Categories

   1. Bawra Ho Gaya Hai Ke Award:  Ram Gopal Varma for Everything He Did.

   2. When Did This Come Out Award: Wafaa.

   3. Lajja Award for Worst Treatment of a Serious Issue Award: Deshdrohi.

   4. Insensitivity Award: Fashion.

   5. Exceptional Dialogue Delivery: Tusshar Kapoor.

   6. Dara Singh award for the worst accent: Katrina Kaif.

 

Most Wanted Categories

   1. Most Atrocious Lyrics Award: Anvita Dutt Guptani for Lucky Boy from Bachna Ae Haseeno.

   2. Most Original Story: Hari Puttar.

   3. Most Irritating Song of the Year Award: Tandoori Nights from Karzzzzzzzz.

 

Links to the media coverage:-

 

 

 

The Golden Kela Awards - for the ripest tripe in Indian Cinema

Film lovers are going to see an awards show, which is altogether different from what they are used to see generally. RANDOM Magazine and the Sundaas Film Institute are organizing the first ever Golden Kela Awards (www.goldenkela.in) in Delhi, on 7th of March, 2009, at the India Habitat Centre. Golden Kela stands out because of its bizarre theme of celebrating the worst of Indian cinema. The event has proper categories like any other awards show, the only difference is instead of awarding the best performances, we award the worst ones.

Aishwarya Rai and Mallika Sherawat , both have been nominated for their acting excellence in the year 2008. And, Himesh Reshammiya has a well-deserved nomination in the Worst Actor's category.

The Golden Kela Awards are inspired by the Golden Raspberries or the Razzies of America. The nominations have been decided by the Magazine's board and the winners are going to be selected on the basis of an online poll. So, far we have received tremendous response through public voting and extensive media coverage.

Links to news stories:

Hindustan Times

Buzz 18

Mid Day

If you want to do your bit, log on to http://www.goldenkela.in/ and vote.

Mr. Jaspal Bhatti is the Chief Guest of Honor and he'll be awarded with the Life Time Achievement Award. 

Worst Actor (Male) :

Himesh Reshammiya - Karzzzz
(Monty is back! After 28 years! And he's fatter, cheaper and has weird hair! Not to mention the horrible music. Clip: Kya saboot hai tumhare paas ki tumne Ravi Varma ka khoon nahi kiya?
Hrithik Roshan - Jodhaa Akbar ( Akbar was'nt a tall, green-eyed six-packed handsome mimbo. He was short and stocky and most definitely could speak Urdu with the proper accent.)
Emraan Hashmi - Jannat (Monkey see, monkey do, monkey kiss, monkey plays bookie, monkey still remains a monkey.)
Salman Khan - Yuvvraj (Seriously Sallu bhai, why are you stuck in your ooh, aah and aooon brand of acting when you can choose to do nothing at all like Arjun Rampal or Rahul Bose? Much less work for the same results.)
Rahul Bose - Shaurya (For giving a total of two expressions for the entire duration of a high drama film)

Worst Actor (Female) :

Priyanka Chopra - Dostana, Love Story 2050
(C'mon Piggy...are you even trying? Are you trying to do something other than taking off a lot of your clothes?
Aishwarya Rai Bachchan - Jodha Akbar (For turning a strong Rajput princess (of dubious veracity) into one of Ekta Kapoor's heroines)
Kareena Kapoor - Tashan, Golmaal Returns (For being as cheap loud and obnoxious...)
Katrina Kaif - Yuvvraj (Oh what a pretty face! Oh what a pretty smile! Oh what a pretty girl! Unfortunately, acting is not skin deep)
Mallika Sherawat - Ugly aur Pagli (I wont waste precious space by saying anything about this performance!)

Just when you thought it was all about serious stuff ...

Just when you thought that daily soaps were the greatest levelers, making your mother, wife, mother-in-law and your girlfriend for an hour or so to discuss the virtues of Tulsi-Parvati or to speculate the results of the current reality shows, there’s something brewing inside the TV itself to challenge the title. Yes, I know it all seemed like a miracle to you and your neighbor and fellow countrymen giving rise to this myth. But a closer look will prove the invalidity of your belief. Like any disbeliever (infidel!!!) you will loath my arguments. But if you are a TV-buff, then you would give me a patient hearing.  

See, I won’t go into analyzing the merits of daily soap. There’s no point. Rather I would talk about the thing I want to talk about. Most of us have been lectured by our parents to watch news regularly. I don’t know about you, but I certainly watched other stuff more than news. Come on, back then movies and FTV were more interesting than news. But the present-day news channels are proving our parents right. F**k comedy shows, news channels rock these days.

The seeds of revolution were planted when Aajtak was conceived by some wise old men (and women may be … I’m not too sure). Since, that time it has provided us with our rightful supply of ‘infotainment’. Starting from the plight of a cat stuck in the roof, they went that extra mile to report about the missing dog of the Commissioner. I guess many of you still remember the ticker ‘Commissioner ka kutta mila’ on your TV screen. 

 

 

This is not the end of it as legacy is not created at the snap of a finger like you thought. Remember Muhnochwa? In case you don’t, I’m sorry I can’t help as there are no videos available on youtube to support my claim. Better ask your pados ke Uncle ji or your TV-addict know-it-all friend who cares about anything and everything going in the TV. Not only this, it catapulted the channel to nation-wide fame and gave India her journalistic icon in the name of Deepak Chaurasia. Who can forget his reporting of Pramod Mahajan’s murder? He went on describing his ‘closeness’ with the family and denied that there was any brother by the name of Praveen. His quote, ‘He seems to be a cousin of Pramod.’

There was no one challenging the popularity and credentials of Aajtak, till India TV showed up in the field. And, I must say, what inspiration they have taken from the veterans of the small-screen .... (to be contd.)  

 

Bhookha Pyaasa...

Have you seen Pyaasa? Of course, I'm talking about the Guru Dutt classic, not the Yukta Mookhey disaster (which you haven't even heard of, most likely). For those of you who haven't seen the brilliantly poignant poetry on film, go see it. Anyway, the story revolves around a poet. A poet who writes of the misery and pain of human existence rather than concentrating on love as most urdu poets throughout history have. A poet who refuses to change himself to the whims of an unaccepting society. A poet who is ultimately driven to suicide...but he survives his attempt. And finds himself waking up to a changed world. The world which spat in his face while he was alive, suddenly can't get enough of him. Because he 'died' in such a sensational manner, the whole perception of him has changed. A lot of other things happen which I don't want to delve into here. Because this is not about Pyaasa.

My question is...could a Pyaasa happen today? Is there a Vijay (not to be confused with the one on whose hand is tattooed 'Mera Baap Chor Hai') out there who doesn't get due recognition today, will be driven to suicide and then suddenly become a national cult figure?

Well, one thing is for sure...a Vijay character cannot be a poet today. Poetry is so out of fashion (unless it is film lyrics that the person writes) today that nobody really gives a f**k...and most poets are forced to be closet or bathroom poets with regular day jobs in advertising agencies (sorry, even film lyricists have to do that...e.g. Mr. Prasoon Joshi). But let us assume some other creative field as talent and choice of profession for our hypothetical modern day Vijay...let us say music, or prose, or filmmaking, or acting, or whatever. Now that we have established this much, let us get back to the question.

Transposing the idealism of the original Vijay into our hypothetical one, the first part of the story is plausible. A penniless guy with great talent, stopped by his idealism from stooping down to what passes for art (I don't mean paintings by art you dumbass) these days, would in all probability remain unrecognized. The suicide part is even more plausible. Because when he sees the condition he is in and compares his talent to those recognized as the best in his field (Chetan Bhagat/Arundhati Roy if he's a writer, Pritam/Himesh if he's a musician, Sanjay Leela Bhansali/Ashutosh Gowariker/Aditya Chopra/Karan Johar if he's a filmmaker, SRK/Kareena if he's an actor), he would definitely want to commit suicide.

But what is implausible is the third part. Our news media does not have time for loser artistes killing themselves. They have much more interesting stories to report on...like who called whom a bitch on the popular reality shows, or which actor passed a snide comment on another, or how many pigeons died in the latest terror attacks, or what's happening in the most popular soaps, or what the most pathetic 'comedians' did on the latest episode of an insipid show with a judge paid to laugh at every single word coming out of the performers' mouths...I could just go on and on. So our modern day Vijay will 'die' in vain. Because he will try to commit suicide a second, third or even fourth time when he sees what's going on around him.

Now comes the twist. Times have changed. So has Vijay's talent and profession. Why would Vijay have to be the same way? As I see it, a modern day Vijay will be able to use the media to his advantage. If an ugly woman with fake boobs and no talent can get the media to report on her by creating controversies, then Vijay is definitely smarter.

So, our modern Vijay will be able to use the TRP-hungry, supremely superficial news media to create a buzz...and using the net, he will be able to create at least a cult following if not mass popularity. Hence, the story doesn't even begin in this scenario. Our hero will have some recognition; will not be driven to suicide; will probably be more popular in death than while alive...but that would be after a full career of cult-popularity.

Therefore, I conclude by saying there can be no Pyaasa today...only bhookha pyaasa.

Bakhtawar Bhutto's Rap Song

The term 'star-kid' is nothing unknown to us. Especially in India where we can see an entire brigade of them in film industry, politics, and some little known ones in music, business and sports. Somehow they get a natural and automatic entry into their father's or forefather's field of 'excellence'. If we look at Ranbir Kapoor, we'll see that ... there is actually nothing to look out for in him. Likewise, it is very difficult to comment on Anoushka Shankar's musical genius. Well, she does appear now and then in the page 3 of newspapers, tugging along her effeminate boyfriend and obviously not playing guitar sitar in the party circle. Not to mention that she looks more of a drag queen than an actual woman, but its entirely MY OPINION. Her contemporaries' are equally illustrious - most notable of them are the 'Bangash' brothers. Now, they are quite famous for their charm (read flirting). The elder one was more in the news because of his break-up with Avantika Haskar than for his music. So, a couple of years back they were at the verge of setting a trend of writing memoirs of their famous parents. Of them only Shankar's book 'Bapi, The Love Of My Life' somehow managed to make news.

Similarly in politics ... and I guess it's more evident in politics. The Gandhi legacy had always been there and possibly will be there in future. Sachin Pilot, Jyotiraditya Scindhia, Omar Abdullah all have strong political connection backing their career. And in a way they are setting a trend, which is a good sign, considering the boring, old look of Indian politics.

However, the thing that caught my attention (and of many others as well) is the recently out rap song by Bakhtawar Bhutto, in memory of her mother, Benazir Bhutto. You can watch the video on youtube (do ignore other search results like 'Benazir ki MOTI BETI' and stuff like that) easily. We all know how hard it is to document the achievements of the Late Bhutto considering the charges of coruption against her and Asif Ali Zardari. But one can't deny her intelligence and charisma. Bakhtawar's rap revolves around these obvious facts only. With due respect to her loss, her song comes across as an average one for its juvenile lyrics. There is a constant buzzing all throughout the video and the lyrics are scrolling at the bottom of the screen like a karaoke system. The visuals are nothing but snaps of Benazir and screen shots of her public appearances. The song at times makes you feel as if she's in a desperation to read-out the lyrics without caring for the rhythm and the beats. Though Bakhtawar will get some appreciation for being Benazir's daughter, let's just hope that this doesn't sparks off another tormentous trend of singing political rap songs in memory of the dear departed ones.

     

The Idiotification of Music Television...

I still remember the good old days of the 90s (even though I'm not sure whether I can call the 90s that, yet)...when music TV was still a new phenomenon...maybe it was the freshness of the medium...but then again, no...the quality of television programming has gone down across the board and music channels are not an exception (even though the quantum of change is much less compared to something like news channels)...MTV seems to be more interested in reality crap like Roadies and Splitsvilla and Channel V is coming up with stupid ideas like Full On...but the worst of the lot is definitely the channel that sought to be a breath of fresh air, but ended up like the stench of halitosis...it's called 9XM...

What is wrong with 9XM you ask? Well for starters, the only 'music' being played on the channel is Bolly-pop-trash (read Himesh 'melody'/ Pritam 'composition') which is at least a couple of months old (which in this day of FM radio and Ringtones and the obsession with 'Latesht' means ancient history)...and when the aural torture has stopped, the mental torture begins...because the worst thing about 9XM is not the music (which is bad enough), it is what happens in between...the atrocious animated fillers which some idiot in charge of the channel believes to be so awesomely funny and cool...i guess their jokes are written by a twelve-year old boy who's just discovering the world of humor (and probably thinks that the cutting edge of humor would be two hours of people farting)...yes, we all enjoy a nice PJ(Poor Joke, for the uninitiated) once in a while because it reminds us of a simpler time when we used to find "Bolo Pancil" "Pancil" "Tumhaari Shaadi Cancel" really funny...but it isn't exactly the kind of humor that you want to see in between really shitty songs...and that is exactly what 9XM's convoluted idea of entertainment is...if you don't believe me, I'll give you a sample...

Bheegi Billi: This character is supposed to be a wannabe, loser cat, but looks more like a wannabe, loser mouse...leaving apart the quality of animation (but while we're on the subject, I have some advice for all those trying to do animation in India...do some 2D work if you haven't got the money or skills to make 3D...people still prefer Lion King over Ice Age 2)...anybody who can identify with this character deserves to watch this channel...

The Betelnuts: These four guys who don't look, sound or act anything like the Beatles despite being named after them (something like Hari Puttar being more Home Alone than Harry Potter) take delight in plumbing new depths of attempted humorous poetry...seriously, who's writing this shit? Are they actually being paid for this? I've heard funnier shayari jokes from my 10 year old nephew...

Bakwaas Bandh Kar: When you name a show 'Stop the Bullshit!' do you expect people to laugh with you or at you? I don't really have words to describe how bad the jokes on this one are...but i'll try anyway...take Kangana Ranaut...make her 10 times stupider (if that is possible)...now imagine that she thinks she's funny and her idea of humor is to make absolutely stupid verbal puns, drag them out for as long as possible and then actually laugh at the end...that would still be better than this piece of crap that these guys are trying to pass off as humor...

Now, you may try to rationalize it and say that humor is a subjective thing and some people might actually like to be irritated and mentally tortured and that those are the same people who like the kind of music this channel airs...and you would be right...but art is not about giving in to the demands of the lowest common denominator...art is about maintaining quality while appealing to everybody and if you're doing what 9XM (or Ektaa Kapoor, Yash Raj, KJo, SRK, Himesh, Aaj Tak)  does, you're just taking the easy way out...what that eventually results in is already visible in TV News...it starts off with an Aaj Tak (still mildly tolerable) and leads to an India TV and beyond...