as mandated by rule number 456.32 of section 32.5 of our official company rulebook i have to start off with an introduction to myself...so here is my pre-prepared introduction...
Presto!A pompous poseur whom posterity shall remember perfunctorily
as prince or pauper...I peregrinate over this planet persevering in my
protest against the philistines for the pestilence of pretence they
punish us with...I persecute the pusillanimous with persistent
pontification on the potent principles pertinent to the perfection of
all people...In my pursuit of paradise I fear only the preposterous
puerility of the prudish...The purpose is Peace...In peril of being
pronounced perverse by the parochial powers that be, I present my
august person...Poet...Philosopher...Prophet...
I am sure i left you more confused about me than before...but that doesn't matter, because there is no company rulebook which i have to comply with! now to go on to more serious stuff...some people don't want our readers to read everything written for the magazine...so in expressing my freedom of speech i present to you something you will never get to read in the magazine...
You don’t get any
Marx for this!
Communism. An idea that promised to change this dreary world
we live in into Paradise. An idea offering
equality to all. An idea which most of the world believes has failed miserably.
So what is the idea and why did it fail? We brought together
some ‘eminent’ panelists to discuss the issue.
The Panel:
Karl Marx –
German political philosopher, author of the Communist Manifesto and really cool
dude with a bushy beard.
Iosef Vissarionovich
Stalin – Baap of all Dictators
who would cause you to pause and exclaim ‘Moochein
ho to Stalin jaisi, warna na ho.’
Steve – American
Hippie dude
Mukherjee –
Bengali Babu (Not at all representative of the Bengalis in general, who are, as
I’ve learnt from experience, really nice, intelligent people.)
Yours Truly –
Mostly silent observer.
Yours Truly (YT):
So…Mr. Marx, would you like to make the opening statement?
Karl Marx (KM): Ja. (Clears throat) The history of all
hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles.
Steve (S) (Lighting
up a joint): Yeah dude! I struggled a lot in class too. The Man always makes it
too tough for us simple folk.
KM: Nein. What I meant was that oppressor
and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an
uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either
in a revolutionary reconstitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of
the contending classes.
Steve gets really
confused, then shakes it off and puffs away to glory.
Mukherjee (M)
(thoughtfully): Marx-da, I don’t really understand, but I totally agree with
you. These oppressors, I tell you. We Bengalis fought so hard for independence
and then all the PM’s come from that pathetic state U.P.
KM: This isn’t
about your country! The communist agenda applies to the proletariat everywhere,
regardless of nationality.
Iosef Vissarionovich
Stalin (IVS) (with evil glint in eyes): The whole world? Interesting. Tell
me more about this system of yours.
KM: The state
which will come about as a result of the Workers’ revolution will own all the
land, all industrial activities, all credit. In short, the state shall control
the whole economy through central planning. Also, education, communications and
transport will be exclusively the preserve of the state. Everyone will work
equally and get paid equally.
S (coming back to
reality): But I’m not good at anything dude. What work will I do?
KM: The state
will ensure work for everyone.
S: You mean I can
be incompetent and still earn money? Thank God!
KM: God is an
illusion. Religion is the opiate of the masses.
S: Really? And to
think I’ve been paying that damned dealer so much money when the church is
giving it away for free. Dude! Radical!
KM: Dummkopf!
IVS: Forget about
him Comrade Karl. So you are saying the state controls everything? That means
the state is the Absolute Power. So whoever leads the state is the Most
Powerful Person in the world! I love this ideology of yours.
M: Me too
Marx-da. We can teach anything we like in the schools! We’ll make Bangla the
national language.
KM: You are not
really getting my point. The state is not one person or a small collective. It
is run by all the workers in the world.
YT: How the heck
can 6 billion people agree on anything? Even my own wife doesn’t agree with me
96.78% of the time.
KM: All men are
brothers. They will find a way to run the state collectively to benefit
everyone.
S (gets excited):
Far out dude! We’ll all live together as brothers. It’ll be like Woodstock all over again. I
could like this commie thing after all. (Takes a pull on his reefer) Radical!
IVS (with a
conniving grin): Da! The people will elect their leader
who will run everything. I’ll rule over the world in the interest of the
workers because only a Man of Steel, like me, can be the true leader.
KM: You don’t
understand. The Proletariat is an entity in itself. It does not need a leader.
M: How can there
be no leader? How will the people know what to do if Jyoti-da doesn’t tell
them?
IVS (moustache
bristling with rage): Zhotida, or whatever his name is, is not telling anybody
anything. I represent the will of the workers. I am The Boss. Do you get it?
M (filled with
fear): Whatever you say Comrade Boss.
KM (vexed): There
is no boss. The Proletariat is supreme.
IVS: Shut up
Comrade! Or I will have you arrested, tortured and killed without trial for
resisting the will of the workers. Lt. Rasputin of the KGB is really good at
this sort of stuff. Comrade Mukherjee, let’s set the revolution into motion.
It’s time to control the world.
M: Stalin-da jindabad! Communisht party jindabad! Marx-er tanashahi cholbe na! (Long
live Stalin! Long live the Communist party! Marx’s tyranny will not be
tolerated!)
Mukherjee stages a
walkout.
S (to IVS): So
dude, when does the concert begin?
IVS: What
concert?
S: The greatest
rock concert ever man. Let’s stick it to the Man!
IVS: Only I can
decide who plays music and when. I am the man and nobody sticks it to me!
S: No fair dude!
What about being brothers and shit? I think you suck man.
IVS: You will
think what the State wants you to think. Comrade Rasputin, take this despicable
free-thinker away. Dissent will not be tolerated.
All of a sudden a few
men, wearing red army uniforms, appear out of nowhere and take a protesting
Steve away.
IVS: Now, if you
comrades will excuse me, I have to take care of all the dissenters and
free-thinkers in the world.
KM: You are just
replacing the whole bourgeoisie with yourself. This is not Communism!
IVS: It is now.
And you better keep quiet or I’ll hang you in Dzerzhinsky Square.
Stalin leaves.
KM: What have I
done? This wasn’t what I had thought. I believed I could lead people to Utopia.
YT: I thought you
were an intelligent guy, but you are as stupid as the rest of us. No idea is
better than those who profess it. And the fact is that most humans are selfish,
ignorant idiots. Therefore, no idea in the world can bring about utopia.
Communism, capitalism, anarchism, fundamentalism, all the isms just end up
dividing men into artificial groups. So just relax. Your ideology may have
failed, but none has succeeded.
Do you still think an idea can change the world?
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